dominance | ( eudio inbox )

[ he gives her a disbelieving look before he shakes his head. he tosses the heart onto the table before them, ignoring that maybe he should eat it or offer it to her. in his opinion, it's too stupid to eat, let alone offer to raven. he doesn't understand how these hearts are meant to work, especially if they're not hugging or kissing. those he gets, at least. ]

[ he shoves his hand back into the box, rummaging around for a moment before he picks another heart out. turning it over so he can read it, he still looks amused. he doubts this could get worse; it's not as though there's a heart in there that says he has to tell her a secret, or do something embarrassing. he doubts the hearts are big enough for the latter. ]

[ he looks to her and shows her a be mine. with a shrug, he nonchalantly teases, ] Want to be my — whatever for the day?

[ it's easier to make fun of the day than it is to understand the intentions behind it. ]

[She doesn't get the big deal behind today, so the whole background story to saying yes to being someone's whatever for the day is lost on her. If you ask Raven, it's basically just a way of saying that person's the one you'd most want to spend some time with, and given than she came here the moment she could, well.

Maybe it is.

She tilts her head, and shrugs.] I'll be your whatever if you'll be my whatever for the day. [All couple of hours left of it.]

Sure.

[ he looks down at the heart and wonders what he's meant to do with it now. it doesn't seem right to ask her to be his whatever — is it "valentine"? "love"? "person"? — and not give her the heart. despite reading the network broadcasts on the day, bellamy has to admit he found himself rolling his eyes and not taking any of it in. all he seemed to glean from the conversations is that it was a day where people either felt loved or the complete opposite. and he doesn't want the latter for raven. ]

[ like his answer to her, his solution is an easy one. with the heart in his hand, he holds it for her to pluck it from his palm. ]

Guess this is yours.

[It would feel weird to take it, even if it's just a heart that says be mine. Maybe she's the foolish one, making a big deal out a small piece of candy, but she shakes her head.]

You take it. I ate the kiss me one while you weren't looking.

[Her pulse feels unsteady, and she knows it's not due to stabilizing anymore. It's done, she's used to it, the feel and weight and warmth of his hand on her leg. It's the whole being close and trading hearts that are idiotic, and meaningless, and thinking they are.

She stays where she is, but reaches behind her with both hands, and leans back against them, creating distance without being aware of it.]

[ he looks down at the heart before he throws it into the air. it's a trick he's been teaching his dogs, but they're much more skilled at bouncing their small treats off their nose, foreheads, or even catching them when they're lucky. bellamy tilts his head back and finds he misses it, it hitting his head as it bounces onto the couch. ]

[ with a shrug, he picks it up, and eats it, but not without an amused smile. it seems as though he can't teach an old dog any new tricks. ]

[ he shoves his hand back into the packet to search for another heart. ]

[ looking at her pointedly, it's with a smile he thinks to remind her: ]

Isn't that against the rules?

[ he doesn't know what the rules are, but it doesn't hurt he pretends to. ]

[She feels like she's just been caught doing something illegal, or at the least irresponsible, so of course she acts in her own way. With bravado and defiance.

She shrugs; the rules? She made them up, they're inconsequential. And since when is he a stickler for them?]

Yeah, guess it is. [She presses her tongue to the inside of her cheek, biting onto it a little bit, for adrenaline and courage, and raises one eyebrow.]

Why? Do you want to kiss me?

[ it's not the first time he's been asked what it is he wants, but it's always been in terms of how to survive. what does he want to do, to ensure that they make it out of running the camp alive? what does he think is the best course of action when it comes to the fact grounders will be marching toward them at that very moment? what he's wanted has been the same since he was seven years old — he wants octavia to be safe, and to be happy, especially with him. ]

[ but when it comes to him outside of the camp, the fighting, and all the tactical thinking, bellamy isn't sure what it is he wants. he's always tried to rationalise it in terms of octavia — how it helps her, how it'll protect her. it's how he thinks of it now. hugging raven is easy; he doesn't mind it at all, finding it's grounding at times. but he remembers what kissing her had been like, and he isn't so sure if he wants to begin untangling that red string. ]

[ he pulls a heart out, finding it's another hug one. he thinks to pour all of them out to see if there's a range of options in there, but even bellamy can realise that that's him running. instead, he looks down at it for a moment before looking back at her. he copies her expression, arching his brow, but it lacks any attitude behind it. ]

I'm just making sure the Valentine's rule police aren't going to come and get you. [ he lifts a shoulder, turning the heart over in his hands as he looks down. ] It'd suck. You're one of the only few people I actually like.

[She watches him quietly for a few moments longer, the drum of her heart loud in her ears, and her throat feeling constricted.

She remembers, too. Even if it wasn't the last kiss she'd ever had, even if what came after it didn't help one bit, she remembers that he goes for the hair and takes one second to react before opening his mouth under hers, and she remembers that his hands always feel steady even when he might not be sure of what he's doing, if he's helping.

She could us some of that, but it's a talent she doesn't possess. Instead, she rushes through life, ready for a fight, and endlessly hoping for someone to show that she can be soft to.

She pulls her legs down from his lap, and pushes herself to sit down, sit properly.] That wasn't an answer.

[She lets out a small sigh.] But I doubt the Valentine's rule police will come.

[ with her legs no longer on his, he picks his up to rest them on his coffee table for something to do. pressing the middle of the arch of his feet into the edge, it's no wonder it doesn't slide along the tiles of his apartment. he expects to hear the skidding, but the table doesn't move from the pressure of his feet. ]

[ bellamy doesn't know what propels him to do it. with his back resting against the cushions of his couch, he's almost content to simply sit like that, the packet of hearts in his hands that he forgets to even pick another candy out of it. placing that on the couch between them, he shifts before leaning forward. he kisses her on the cheek, lingering for a brief moment, before he pulls back and slumps into the cushions of the couch. ]

[ he looks at her, expression slightly guarded and blank. ] Just in case.

[ and he slides further down the couch, knees bent up high, as he looks over toward the dogs, with nike on his bed, paws on his windowsill, and zelo having disappeared from sight. ]

[She holds her breath. Holds it all the way until he sits back again and slumps further down on the couch. Her focus is on him even when he looks at the dogs, because of course he would, he's very good at diverting his gaze when it's necessary.

She has a knot in her throat, which prompts a dry laugh from her. After swallowing it down, she slumps back against the backrest of the couch and props her own feet up on the table too.] Shit.

[Another laugh, her insides trembling with it, like she's made of jello, and she sinks further down and covers her face with both hands. If she manages to smile, it's because that's mild panic for you. She drags her hands across her face, and drops them at her sides, and when her face is unhidden again, she tips it up to look at the ceiling.]

If I'm honest now, can we try not to let that fuck anything up? Because you're among the few people I actually like, too. [Expression pinched, walls slowly being erected, she looks at him.] Can I?

[ he's quick to wonder if that had been a mistake, if he had been reading her pulling away from him wrong. if he's honest, he's felt compelled to do it, but has chosen to let his legs guide him and run far from her and himself. he'd been telling the truth when he hadn't wanted to mess them up — and it's still true, now. even though he suspects if she's to ask him why his answer won't be please her. ]

[ all it's been is a sign of him slowly becoming comfortable. and he can't help but look at her with his eyes slightly wide, his heart beginning to swell and even beat with panic. even with the best of intentions, he's always screwed things up. from the unity day dance to moments on the ark and definitely many on the ground, bellamy has always bitten back any instinct of his own when he can't predict its outcome. ]

[ he watches her, remaining as slumped as he is. he doesn't move. already suspecting he's unsettled the balance between them, he doesn't want to shift himself against the couch or make up a reason to leave it. chion has always been a good reason, never quite a fluffed up excuse, but the snowball seems content with tossing ice cubes at the window as always. ]

[ his brows furrow at her words, and bellamy wishes he could move his legs to run. but he stays where he is, looking at her, and wondering while also understanding what it is she's talking about. his voice is soft with his own worry, ] What?

[She falters, a bit, because this part - the admittance part - isn't easy. It's not the actual want itself, or even the being blunt, because she's been blunt her whole life even at the expense of her own suffering, on some occasions.

But she didn't think she'd ever end up in this position again. Eudio has been easy on her, tolerant with her tall walls and her bravado. She has met people willing to turn a blind eye to that, and still infuse her existence with some warmth and passion that didn't come from an explosion.

This, though, this whole sitting slumped like it's a defensive mechanism, the words a cluster in her mouth, this part she could've swallowed down for a long time. But instead, she chooses to say it, albeit in a rushed whisper and looking at her knees.]

I kind of wish you would. [She looks at him from the corners of her eyes.] Kiss me, I mean. [A beat, her pulse feels like it's trying to hammer something behind her ribs, build something. Worst case scenario, same as the last time, he'll gently pull back and they'll go back to what they are now.

But something in Raven rebels, and maybe it has to do with today, and with her working, healthy leg, but she doesn't want this to be another thing they don't talk about. She looks at him, aware that this is her at her most vulnerable and still charging headfirst.] I really want to kiss you. I keep wanting to.

[ it's a hell of a lot easier to talk about greek stories and commenting on them, on how it's best to roast some grounders, even though he doesn't like killing at all. it's easier to talk about mount weather, even though it makes his skin feel unpleasantly hot and his chest incredibly tight. being vulnerable to anyone — it's not something he thinks he's good at. ]

[ for all of his obliviousness when it comes to people and how they respond to him — which is ironic, given he'd used what he had read in the body language and overheard from the delinquents against them to exercise his own power back during the first few days of being on the ground — he isn't so blind as to what raven's doing right now. she's making herself vulnerable, perhaps more vulnerable than she'd been when she'd come over to build that playpen for an animated snowball, and bellamy doesn't want to lose her trust in opening herself up to him. ]

[ he drops his gaze, looking toward her legs, but he doesn't see the one that he knows should have a brace on it to keep it steady for her when she places her weight onto it. he thinks to get up and walk over to the sink, but bellamy remains slouched in place, looking up at her with some uncertainty. he's never really followed through with his own selfish impulses when it isn't about octavia or mom or even the kids he'd dropped down to the ground with. ]

[ things have already changed too much for him — from clarke pulling away, from him being unable to do much when it comes to the grounders and mount weather, to the dynamics in camp, and now to the city where clarke is different, where raven doesn't know how it all ends save for his own skewed retellings of what went down inside of the mountain. change is the biggest threat to him that he doesn't like since he can't control it. ]

[ his voice is quiet, ] It won't change anything, right?

[Things have already changed, that's the thing. She can't offer him any comfort here, because she can't offer herself any either. She's taking a risk, he's just the one who has to make the decision this time. There will be no getting undressed and showing him hers before he shows her his this time around, no using him because she thinks he's the sort of guy who won't mind it.

What a dick she was. Knowing him better now, she can't help but realize that she was wrong. Of course he'd minded it.

Which is why she puts all the cards on the table. Even if it's with hesitation.] I can't guarantee that.

[She shrugs, and looks up at him from where she's slumped.] Things have already changed. I wouldn't be sitting here wanting...this...if things had stayed the same. [And speaking of things that stay the same, she glances down at her legs, and brushes her thumb over her left knee. To herself,] Sometimes change is good. Even if it's risky.

[ change has never been good for him. he wishes things would stay the same for once instead of the ground constantly twisting and turning underneath him. octavia comes and goes, things with clarke are unpredictably easy, and where he had thought it'd be like that with raven, he finds that it seems to shift from easy to tense and right back again. ]

[ eudio's the same. what would've been easier on the ground isn't anymore. ]

[ despite how things are changing and he's purposefully turned his eye away from it, he stays in the same position. he doesn't move in fear of what will happen if he does. he looks at her, and says, quietly, ] You know I'm not staying, Raven. I have to go back. [ in his opinion, on top of acknowledging this type of change, that's a worse one. it's one that they can easily predict, since it's something bellamy will, for once, have a hand in. he has to go back and look after their people. clarke being in the city, safe and away from grounders, doesn't change that they're without someone not afraid to stand up to those in charge of camp jaha. ] That's never going to change.

[That makes her sit up straight so fast that she forgets she's still new at having command of both legs again, and she stumbles, a little. Eventually, she recovers and rushes out with:] I know.

[It's been a probability since the beginning of his stay here, after all; whereas Raven used Eudio to get away, Bellamy has been using Eudio with one goal in mind. And if this isn't showing her he gives a damn, about their people back in their home, she doesn't know what is. He's got a cushy live here, two dogs who will end up in the care of who knows who, and the snowgie, and friends, but he's not going to stay forever.]

That's not why I'm saying this. I'm not telling you in a plot to get you to. [Even though it would suck ass to see him leave. She has no hold over him, that much she's starting to realize. He's being nice when the situation calls for it, because he actually likes her, but with everything else...

She can't read him on this one. It makes her expression somber.] And I don't need you to do me a favor, either. Just - what do you want?

[ he looks away from her, gaze dropping to his legs on the coffee table. he grows quieter, even though there's no chance someone as tall and big as him could ever become smaller. quietly, ] I don't know. [ he's not entirely sure he's even said it. it's the answer that he's wanted to tell the kids over and over. where should they go? what should they do? should they attack tristan? save finn? believe the grounders? follow clarke? bellamy's never known the answer, but he's always postured as though he does. it shouldn't be a surprise to him that the moment when he needs one, he doesn't have anything, no bravado, nothing, to fall on. ]

[ his gaze remains on his legs, his voice low, ] I came here for Octavia. [ as everything has always been for octavia. he's stayed for octavia, if only to ensure that she's looked after, especially given how they've been separated more in their lives than they've ever been. it's been his own personal barriers that haven't seen him fulfil his deal within the first month of being in eudio. he lingers for octavia, instead of running out on her coattails when she chooses to leave. ] I haven't thought about anything else.

[ he'll admit he's thought about staying for a little longer, giving himself a good timeframe to at least make sure his deal will be met, has been met, and that clarke and raven are okay if he's to leave. it doesn't haunt him as much as it probably should, knowing he'd come and gone without so much as a goodbye, but bellamy knows he doesn't want to up and leave one day without ensuring that his two closest friends will be looked after. that's as far as he's allowed himself to think, falling back into the pattern of following mom's orders, of making sure octavia's safe, looked after, kept company. he may be in a brand new place, but he hasn't developed any brand new habits. ]

I can't think about anything else.

[For a second, she thinks to point out that she still wants to help him reach his goals, but he's had that offer on the table for a while now, and hasn't done anything about it. Maybe that was part of the reason why she has grown closer to him. Faced with the option to use her right back, and make them even, he'd said no.

She lets out a breath she wasn't sure she was holding in, and deflates like a balloon at the fair.] Yes you can. You just don't want to.

[She shakes her head, and drags her hands over her face, then taps her knees as if to shake herself out of it. Screw it, she's going to just be his friend. That's easier. You're stupid if you think you're not loved, Raven, you have a family here. Yes. But again, not the way she wants to be loved.

But one of these days, she will find someone who fights for her, not someone she has to fight for first. And it won't be an effort to be his friend meanwhile, she's been his friend until now. Maybe now that she's come clean, that awkwardness will dissolve and she will stop switching from easy to tense and then back again.]

It's easy to build walls and stick to them, Bellamy, but you're going to have to live sometime. [She looks at him, and softly continues:] We weren't exactly given that choice, even when Earth spread under our feet, all green and alive. But you have a choice here, and you're deluded if you think Octavia wouldn't want you to try.

[She sighs, and drops her gaze.] Anyway, it doesn't matter. I wanted to say it, but nothing has to happen. [They're very good at that, aren't they?]

[ bellamy looks up at her. he feels like flinching, but finds that he remains very still. the only movement he makes is to lean forward, elbows resting against his legs. a part of him wants to go home to see what octavia wants, even though bellamy's never shown himself to be good at heeding that. ]

[ his voice is soft and low, ] It matters, Raven. [ it's only been recently he's started to peel back that wall, allowing himself to acknowledge it quietly and to her. she's important to him; he thinks that that's partly why he's wedged himself between a rock and a hard place. ]

You came into my tent upset with Finn because he was a dick to you. [ it's not the best memory to have, and it's not something they seem to ever speak of. bellamy knows why he keeps his mouth shut on it. it'd never been about him — it was never his to bring up. he'd said his piece in his cot, and had filed it away, even though he sometimes recalls how she'd felt against him. he looks up at her, ] I don't want to be the reason you're upset, or feeling like shit about yourself because I'm not ready to be with anyone. [ bellamy may not know much, oblivious to even himself, but he can easily glean that. ]

[ what's on the tip of his tongue is something he doesn't think he's ready to admit to anyone, not even himself. bellamy doesn't know how to live for anyone other than octavia. once, he'd lived for himself, but he hardly remembers what that had been like, as his entire world had shifted to revolve around his sister. ]

[ looking away, he lets his eyes sweep his apartment wall. he bows his head slightly, and his voice lowers, if that's possible at all, ] I like you. [ that much he knows, even though he doesn't want to elaborate. he's already fumbling trying to figure out how he feels, but it's akin to stumbling around in the tunnel made for reapers. ] But I need to go back home once I'm done here. I don't know how I feel or what I want, but I know I don't want to start something if it's going to end like that.

[Finn's death has left as much of a mark on her as his betrayal had, but it was only a brewing war that had kept her going. If he hadn't convinced her of her importance to the rest of the camp, she would've ran, would have put distance between herself and the Delinquents, and maybe she wouldn't have lasted long out there, alone. Maybe they wouldn't have either.

The bridge wouldn't have been blown up, the ring of fire wouldn't have happened, and Bellamy would've been hanged. It's very likely she wouldn't have made it out on her own alive for very long, but neither would they have. She has her leg back now, but the memory of that surgery will haunt her for life, and is the reason she avoids hospitals when possible. And staying, for Raven, ended up meaning having to see Finn die.

It's funny, because before he'd broken her heart, Raven hadn't been the running away type at all. She was the girl who rushed to a fight, armed to the teeth, certain about her right to battle.

She keeps thinking that somewhere, at some point, she must've done something to cause it all; that Finn wasn't that much of a dick, that it must've been partially her fault too. She'd forgiven him for it, hours before his death, but Bellamy bringing it up again goes through her memories and tosses everything up.

He's right. There's no saying that starting something here would end in anything but heartbreak, all over again. And if she's not incentive enough to try, either way, well then...

She reaches out across the space between them, and touches his forearm, drawing his attention.] Thanks for telling me, I guess. You're less of a dick than he was, at least.

[ at her touch, bellamy looks up at her. his lips curve upward, but it's not out of mirth. he'll always think of himself to be a dick — it's easier to acknowledge himself as that and nothing else. he's not a hero, not like the greeks; he doesn't believe he's awfully nice, either, given how his actions have affected so many people, those he knows intimately and those he can hardly recall the name of. being a dick is better than being a monster, even though bellamy knows he'd toed that line a lot when he'd first jumped onto the ground. ]

[ if bellamy knows anything, it's that there's someone out there for raven who isn't as messed up as he is. someone who won't leave to go to a place he doesn't want to go, afraid of what he'll find, of the names he'll be called that don't quite fit on his shoulders. but he's not quite used to the pace of eudio. sometimes he envies her for how easily she assimilates into this life, while he fumbles about, as he does now, breaking things. ]

[ softly: ] I don't want things to be messed up between us, Raven. [ he leans back slightly, sitting almost straight. he rubs his hands against his legs, drawing them up to his thighs to remain there. he lets his gaze shift to the edge of the table near her. it's been a massive weight on him throughout this conversation, worried about where it is he steps, if it means he'll toe a line or cross it and have to watch her walk away as he had clarke. ] It'd suck … a lot. [ like ass, but he doesn't think to quote her now. ]

[ he looks at her, ] I wasn't lying when I said you're important to me. I would've left when Octavia did if you weren't. [ and he knows he would've taken her up on her offer when octavia had left the first time, but he hadn't wanted to. the idea of using people to gain what he wanted doesn't sit right with him, not when he considers them friends. he'd rather a touch hold meaning, rather than it being a means to an end. ]

[This touch holds meaning, even if it makes her predictably sad. She feels his words like constricting pressure around her throat, and she forces out a very pathetic murmur:] I'm sure you had more reasons. [More people to stick around for.

Because people don't just stick around for her, and only her, and then cross their arms and not do anything about it. Selfishly, she wishes he were the sort of asshole who didn't care so much and didn't hold himself in check, because then she wouldn't be left with all this want.

Nevertheless, it is what it ease. Not a stalemate, but a scattering of the pieces, game's done, go home. She squeezes his arm, fondly. Perhaps with more kindness than she would've had, without the months of being calmed down by Eudio behind her.]

I think we'll be fine. [After lingering for a bit, she draws her hand away. Looks at some point on his shirt, instead of his face, because two can avoid gazes too.] If you want me to go now...

[ clarke and raven had been his reasons. a part of him needed to know if clarke was okay, if this was the place she left camp for. she's not his responsibility, not like octavia, where it's been drilled into his head that she's his to look after, but bellamy feels responsible, nonetheless, of her state, of where her head is at. he hadn't been too sure of why raven had been here, but now he thinks he knows why — it's her leg, and her sense of self she's come back to that keeps her here. but he finds that there's nothing but them for him in eudio, and while he thinks octavia's always important, the one person he would sacrifice the entire camp for, he's beginning to realise it's not so black and white. ]

[ if she leaves, he thinks it'll be awkward. if she stays, maybe it'll linger. but bellamy finds that he doesn't want to act as though it's a wedge that'll keep distance between them, shifting their relationship from his perspective. it isn't much of a leap, given she's been to his apartment once and he's spent time with her on multiple occasions, but it feels different now. ]

[ he doesn't look at her when he softly says, ] You can stay, if you want. [ when he says it, he knows it isn't a lie. it's not spoken out of pity, or his need to fix it. he wants her to stay; out of all the people he's known in eudio, he's only ever really liked spending the majority of the day, whether it be at a carnival or moving boxes, with raven. looking up at her, he shrugs his shoulders, the best he can give her as to any unspoken question of why. ]

[ even though he thinks it shows her it's what he wants, bellamy thinks back on her words, on the emphasis on you, and opts to clarify: ] I'd like you to.

[If she goes now, she'll be the one blowing up the distance between them, breaking her promise and the certainty that nothing will change, that they'll be okay. And if she had to leave, the truth is that she wouldn't want to. She doesn't want to.

And now he says he wants her to stay, and the choice is made. It's easy. She even manages a smile, wide.] Okay, then. [She gets up from the couch, though.]

I'm going to go steal a soda from your fridge, do you want one? [Hopefully with some luck, there'll be cake again. The candy has messed her up anyway.]

[ he watches her get up, as if expecting her to take long strides toward the door and leave. he thinks it, pictures it, but finds that raven doesn't follow in the same steps as clarke. raven's never followed in the same steps as clarke. threatening clarke had only seen her talk back. threatening raven had seen her push back at him in her own attempt of intimidation. raven isn't clarke, and he knows that that's why he'd been drawn to her doorstep during the early weeks of his stay in the city. it's always been comforting to know his ease of standing near her, even walking beside her in silence, has never changed, not even when the landscape has. ]

Yeah. [ he shuffles against the cushion he sits on. he waves his hand, ] Whatever one. Take whatever you want from out of there.

[ in his fridge are cans of coke, and on a plate a thin slice of chocolate cake. there's not much inside, save for a few bottles of beer, water, one large bottle of coke, and some bars of chocolate. his fridge is relatively empty, given he eats what he has, unable to toss anything into the trash. ]

[ while she's up on her feet, he moves, too. standing, he walks to his bed, ignoring zelo who peers up at him to only rest his head back down. nike remains quiet, for once, perhaps uncharacteristic of her from raven's perspective. he leans over his bed, knee on the mattress, to place his phone and book onto his sill by his bed. he leans forward to open his window slightly, air easily sweeping inside of his apartment as he has yet to invest in curtains. ]

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