[ bellamy looks at her, amused. of course he doesn't see it. if bellamy saw his own reflection, or even his future self, standing right before him, he'd deny it existing. when he looks at zelo and nike, he doesn't see himself and octavia, even though he'd wanted to get zelo to ensure that nike had a life similar to his own (except a little kinder). ]
[ with a slight laugh, ] What? [ he looks at zelo, as if expecting him to sprout the dark blake hair. he stays golden, fur as thick as bellamy's mop of hair used to be. his fingers may have stilled in brushing against his back, but they return to moving once more as he looks at raven. ] What makes you say that?
[That's easy. She's been thinking it for a while now, so it's easy to just say it.] Well, just look at them. Nike's so tiny and ready to eat up the whole world, and when she's alone she'll sniff at anything and she's enthusiastic...and then Zelo, he's a cooler dog by comparison, like he needs to compensate for his sister's personality.
She follows him, sometimes. He calms her down. I've only seen that once.
[ being the only siblings from the ark, he supposes some people will be looking at him and octavia like they're something fascinating to watch. bellamy has done it with a few of his friends, even though he wouldn't go as far as to call them fascinating. it had just been interesting to predict future events based on body language and tone. by watching finn, he'd figured out how best to approach raven when it came to understanding her. ]
[ looking at zelo, it's as though he expects his dog to confirm or deny any of this. but he looks at his puppy to have a moment to think. and what he thinks about is that he hadn't expected anyone to really pay attention to him — or octavia. it's how they'd been raised. be quiet. remain unseen. ]
[ quietly, ] I hadn't thought about it like that. [ he's slightly pensive, still expecting to see it now when he's hardly been able to see himself from someone else's perspective. looking up at her, he arches his brow slightly, ] You really think that about O and me?
[Extraordinary things get attention, and nobody had siblings on the Ark. They are not things, but they are both extraordinary and fascinating, so she's paid attention.
And it's hard not to, when you've made a point to be a part of their lives because you care, you care, you care.]
I think -- I think she's your biggest motivation, but I also think you're hers.
[ it isn't news to him, being told he's octavia's biggest motivator. as oblivious as he sometimes is, by choice and by it being a natural response for him, bellamy has seen it. she's told him as much, finding the words he'd promised to her when she'd been born mean much more coming from her, as she hadn't ever been tasked with the responsibility of looking after him. it'd always been him needing to look out for her, as if he was capable of caring for himself, or she had been more important, thought to be too wild or ignorant to what he had the opportunity to live and witness outside of their home. ]
[ hearing it from raven, though ... her word, her opinions, insight, motivational speeches — she's come to mean something to him. his relationship with octavia has always been his own, but he doesn't feel defensive hearing her out. ]
[ he doesn't look at her, focusing on zelo. lifting his hand, he brushes his fingers between his eyes, down the slope of his snout lightly. his tone remains quiet, since he doesn't think he needs to speak loudly, and doesn't want to, anyway. ] She has Lincoln now. [ and it's been a source of his own jealousy as well as his comfort in staying in eudio a little longer. lincoln is good for octavia, even for himself, but he often feels misplaced when he's around. ] If she didn't, I wouldn't be here.
[ meeting his deal as quickly as he could, he'd be out if lincoln hadn't followed her. ]
[Funny, that; she can't quite not look at him. Wonders if she's said something wrong. Wonders if what she wants to carry on saying will drive him away. If it'll be her own doing, well...
Her feelings don't matter right now.]
Just because she can handle herself doesn't mean she doesn't love you. [Quieter,] Just because you can handle yourself doesn't mean you don't love her.
[ he glances at her briefly from the corner of his eye, but otherwise keeps his gaze locked on zelo's paws. acknowledging why he does so, bellamy's doing it on purpose, knowing if he looks at her he'll stop talking. he doesn't want to talk, always preferring to not burden those around him, but he makes the active choice to do so. for however long it lasts before he locks her out again. ]
It just means she doesn't need me. [ with that year of her being locked away from him, he supposes that's changed. her dependency on him to describe the ark to her, the things he'd done, the people he'd met again, had been destroyed the moment the guard had taken her away from him. octavia hadn't seemed any different when they'd crashed to the ground, but she's grown in the opposite direction to him since then. it's unsurprising he hasn't been able to follow her out of eudio. ]
[ he lets his hand drop from zelo, finding his puppy looks for it, but seems to settle by resting his chin on his paws. with his hand against the bed, near zelo but not quite touching him, he frowns. quieter than he'd been before, ] I don't think she ever really did. [ not on the ground, not when he'd been trying to step back into those familiar shoes that felt too tight around his feet. ]
[ shifting against his bed, his knee accidentally bumps into hers. all long limbs, unable to keep them all on his bed without bending somewhere, he doesn't let his legs hang completely off the side of his bed. ] I can't remember a day before she was born. All I remember is she was always there. Around.
[She supposes it's hilarious how similar they are. Letting others in in increments only. Closing and opening themselves to other people, even when they're friends, with so much hesitation. She wonders if it's pervasive to the children born on poor stations, or if they're just that sort of people. That sort of losers.
She wants to comfort him, in the same way she sometimes wants to comfort herself for her dependence on Finn. When the only person who'd loved her, her family though not by blood, had been taken, and her whole world had resumed itself to just him: the days until he'd turn eighteen, the airducts wide enough to crawl through and spent the night whispering through the ventilation in his cell, the horrible sinking possibility of him not being pardoned at all, for her spacewalk. And then one more time, when she found from Abby he was on the ground. Again, when she realized he wasn't hers anymore, maybe never had been like that, and the last time... The last time, she's still clinging onto, at times.
Because she wants to comfort him, she lets her fingers accidentally on purpose brush over his where he holds it near Zelo. Quietly,] Maybe being needed isn't all that cracked up as it's said to be. Maybe the best thing is to be wanted...
You should be proud, you know. Your sister ended up one of the sanest people I've met, and look where she started. If that happened, well...Come on, I'll connect the dots - you've likely gotta take some credit.
[ he hadn't been raised to be a secret keeper, let alone a big brother to a girl who had been told her entire existence could never be celebrated. he knows mom had never planned for octavia, but they'd shifted around her. he'd come into his own with his little sister to focus on, and while mom had made sure to drill into his head that she was his to take care of in the wake of something happening to her, bellamy, on some level, knows that he helped raise octavia for a good portion of his life. ]
[ but octavia is octavia, and he's never been one to take credit for anything that's good. it's touching to think raven believes that — that he's capable of some good, even if it's just her believing he's a good influence on octavia. a part of him knows she had to have had faith in him, possibly as a keeper of her own secret, as confessing to illegal activity on the ark may not harm them now when it comes to the council, but it still has the ability to damage people and those around them. ]
[ with her fingers brushing against his, he doesn't stay still beneath her touch. whether out of impulse or a choice of his own, bellamy both thinks and doesn't think about how it may or may not have been his conscious decision to hook his fingers around hers. the dog doesn't even seem to notice, perhaps remaining as calm as she had observed him to be. ]
She had Mom. It wasn't just her and me. [ and though it's almost arrogant to think it, he knows she knows the story of aurora blake. it's one he thinks the council told the people of the ark to dissuade them from breaking the rules. it's a story of how it'll always come to bite you in the ass — or your eldest will simply let you down. it's easier to brush it aside, because it doesn't quite fit how he sees himself. ]
[ shifting his hips on the bed, he glances up at her and cracks a smile, ] But I'll make sure to tell her you said that.
[Involuntarily, she startles a little when he hooks his fingers through hers, but it's barely perceivable. She manages to counterbalance it with a light squeeze, acknowledging them touching. She runs her thumb over his knuckles, and offers a soft smile back.]
Make sure you remember it. [Which means not remember it to tell Octavia, but remember so he can tell himself. She can sense that he's not that sure he had anything good to offer in Octavia's life, but he's wrong. She's not biased, she just knows. She's seen him be a good person. And a good brother.]
[ he looks at her, appearing slightly amused. bellamy won't ever repeat it, not even to inform someone else raven reyes had said something kind about him. even if he was to promise it, he wouldn't. she'd need to say it for herself, never quite being able to trust him to do anything he promises when it comes to himself. ]
[ he doesn't pull his hand away. it's a hell of a lot easier than cuddling. ]
[It's not that easy to cuddle with a dog between them, but she'd still spoon him if he wanted her too. If it makes her a little pathetic, well. Fuck, maybe she is.
It's his fault, worming his way under her skin like that. (What a jerk.)]
I know. You might end up needing to forget a few details about Heracles to clear up space.
[ bellamy almost scoffs. his response to her suggestion is immediate. frowning, he smiles, and shakes his head, ] No way. I'd have to forget his star.
[ and bellamy's not keen to forget where that constellation is. if he has to forget one minor detail of heracles, then the entire impact of finding him in the night sky is lost on him. losing a small portion of the story means he loses the star — and bellamy's a little possessive over his greek stories. ]
I'll have to pick another story to forget. [ his finger brushes over one of her knuckles. he teases, ] Maybe the car one.
[ as someone who has never liked the stars, save for how pretty they'd been to him when he'd been younger, keeping that constellation in mind, especially when he's to go home, is important for him. it isn't primarily for octavia as it is for himself. he wants to remember that heracles resides in the sky, and that raven had found him for him. and maybe that's the only time bellamy's ever allowed himself to be selfish, remembering how her fingers had drawn that star on his back, trying to follow the faint feeling of them when he looks up at the sky to locate heracles again. ]
The one where they need to slow down and get some anger management. [ her favourite film, or the only one he's really recalled that she seems to favour. he looks to zelo, finding that his eyes are closed, tail still. bellamy doesn't withdraw from her to pick him up and startle him awake. he smiles, ] I could spare that one.
[ bellamy laughs, shifting on the bed so he can lie on his back. he doesn't move his hand. if he had a choice to forget that movie of hers, he wouldn't. despite being able to sleep through it and not miss what he'd been watching, it's something about raven he isn't keen to forget. if she wanted to tell him the entire plot, he'd listen, even if he can't promise he'd go and grab a book on cars like she has his greek stories. pretending he hates it, though, is a little fun. ]
[ looking up at the ceiling, smile wide, ] Then tell me something you hate and I'll forget that instead.
[Something she hates? There's not a lot she hates. No movies she could express hatred towards. She thinks about it, looking down at their hands, threading her fingers with his again and lying down, her free arm tucked under her head, under her Cerberus pillow.]
[ bellamy lets out a long exhale. looking at her from the corner of his eye, he doesn't quite smile in great amusement anymore. ] Yeah. I hate that, too.
[ for the turmoil it'd given octavia, for the trouble it'd tossed toward mom, bellamy isn't he biggest fan of ark politics at all. there's proof in his actions, from hiding octavia and trying to protect mom to shooting jaha and removing those wristbands to sabotage the council. he hasn't forgotten what his actions have caused, consequences he has to live with each and every day. but he isn't the greatest fan of ark politics. ]
Guess I've made space for what you want me to remember. [ his brows furrow as he tries to lighten the mood, ] That I'm the best shot.
[Floating parents for trying to take care of their kids, but letting an alcoholic trade her daughter's rations for hooch for years, nearly starving her... Ark politics had been strict, and deeply flawed, and she'll always resent them. Hate them.
She grabs for the chance to make light of the mood.] Pfft, well I don't hate that part, so you'll never forget it.
[ looking up at the ceiling, bellamy smiles, shaking his head. he laughs lightly, ] No, you just forget for me. [ he looks at her, cheek pressing against the bed as his brows rise up. even though he's pretty sure raven does it to tease him, as it's no longer something that he feels press sharply into him, bellamy finds he isn't so riled up at the mention of him being a lousy shot. he doesn't have closure for it, not in the way he wants to, but he's finding he's slowly moving on from it. ]
[ he rolls onto his side again. zelo shifts, lifting his head, but rests it again as though he hadn't felt a shake underneath him. bellamy keeps his other arm far from his dog, not wanting to unsettle him when he seems to be comfortable and even content. he looks at him, ] Maybe I should move him before he takes over.
[ because a tiny dog that doesn't so much as move or even snore is going to take over a bed bigger than him. maybe bellamy's seeing the future where zelo, much bigger than he is, actually does succeed in conquering his bed. ]
[She involuntarily holds onto his fingers a little tighter, and the secret comes out in her expression first: she doesn't want him to move yet. She doesn't want him to let her go.]
No, not yet. [she's very quiet in her plea, but then again she doesn't ask for a lot of things.]
[ despite making a move to rise, bellamy stays on his side. looking to zelo, trying to hear for nike, he decides that he'll wait a little longer before he moves him from the bed and back down onto the ground. forming a habit of letting the dogs on his bed will eventually come to bite him in the ass, but bellamy can't help it — and it doesn't seem to bother raven having a golden ball of fur lying on the bed near her. ]
You know he snores? Louder than a car at times. [ zelo doesn't even shift or acknowledge he's being spoken of. bellamy looks at him, lifts his other hand to brush his fingers in his fur, but stops at the last minute to drop it. ] I'm surprised you don't hear him from your place.
[ he says it immediately, looking and sounding serious as he schools his expression and wipes the smile from his face. ] They try to sleep on me. [ which may or may not be the truth, but considering how they're always on his bed — it's the only thing that makes sense. ]
[ his thumb moves against the back of her hand. ]
Imagine that sound being so close to your ear. Maybe you'll stop liking it then.
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[ with a slight laugh, ] What? [ he looks at zelo, as if expecting him to sprout the dark blake hair. he stays golden, fur as thick as bellamy's mop of hair used to be. his fingers may have stilled in brushing against his back, but they return to moving once more as he looks at raven. ] What makes you say that?
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She follows him, sometimes. He calms her down. I've only seen that once.
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[ looking at zelo, it's as though he expects his dog to confirm or deny any of this. but he looks at his puppy to have a moment to think. and what he thinks about is that he hadn't expected anyone to really pay attention to him — or octavia. it's how they'd been raised. be quiet. remain unseen. ]
[ quietly, ] I hadn't thought about it like that. [ he's slightly pensive, still expecting to see it now when he's hardly been able to see himself from someone else's perspective. looking up at her, he arches his brow slightly, ] You really think that about O and me?
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And it's hard not to, when you've made a point to be a part of their lives because you care, you care, you care.]
I think -- I think she's your biggest motivation, but I also think you're hers.
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[ hearing it from raven, though ... her word, her opinions, insight, motivational speeches — she's come to mean something to him. his relationship with octavia has always been his own, but he doesn't feel defensive hearing her out. ]
[ he doesn't look at her, focusing on zelo. lifting his hand, he brushes his fingers between his eyes, down the slope of his snout lightly. his tone remains quiet, since he doesn't think he needs to speak loudly, and doesn't want to, anyway. ] She has Lincoln now. [ and it's been a source of his own jealousy as well as his comfort in staying in eudio a little longer. lincoln is good for octavia, even for himself, but he often feels misplaced when he's around. ] If she didn't, I wouldn't be here.
[ meeting his deal as quickly as he could, he'd be out if lincoln hadn't followed her. ]
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Her feelings don't matter right now.]
Just because she can handle herself doesn't mean she doesn't love you. [Quieter,] Just because you can handle yourself doesn't mean you don't love her.
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It just means she doesn't need me. [ with that year of her being locked away from him, he supposes that's changed. her dependency on him to describe the ark to her, the things he'd done, the people he'd met again, had been destroyed the moment the guard had taken her away from him. octavia hadn't seemed any different when they'd crashed to the ground, but she's grown in the opposite direction to him since then. it's unsurprising he hasn't been able to follow her out of eudio. ]
[ he lets his hand drop from zelo, finding his puppy looks for it, but seems to settle by resting his chin on his paws. with his hand against the bed, near zelo but not quite touching him, he frowns. quieter than he'd been before, ] I don't think she ever really did. [ not on the ground, not when he'd been trying to step back into those familiar shoes that felt too tight around his feet. ]
[ shifting against his bed, his knee accidentally bumps into hers. all long limbs, unable to keep them all on his bed without bending somewhere, he doesn't let his legs hang completely off the side of his bed. ] I can't remember a day before she was born. All I remember is she was always there. Around.
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She wants to comfort him, in the same way she sometimes wants to comfort herself for her dependence on Finn. When the only person who'd loved her, her family though not by blood, had been taken, and her whole world had resumed itself to just him: the days until he'd turn eighteen, the airducts wide enough to crawl through and spent the night whispering through the ventilation in his cell, the horrible sinking possibility of him not being pardoned at all, for her spacewalk. And then one more time, when she found from Abby he was on the ground. Again, when she realized he wasn't hers anymore, maybe never had been like that, and the last time... The last time, she's still clinging onto, at times.
Because she wants to comfort him, she lets her fingers accidentally on purpose brush over his where he holds it near Zelo. Quietly,] Maybe being needed isn't all that cracked up as it's said to be. Maybe the best thing is to be wanted...
You should be proud, you know. Your sister ended up one of the sanest people I've met, and look where she started. If that happened, well...Come on, I'll connect the dots - you've likely gotta take some credit.
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[ but octavia is octavia, and he's never been one to take credit for anything that's good. it's touching to think raven believes that — that he's capable of some good, even if it's just her believing he's a good influence on octavia. a part of him knows she had to have had faith in him, possibly as a keeper of her own secret, as confessing to illegal activity on the ark may not harm them now when it comes to the council, but it still has the ability to damage people and those around them. ]
[ with her fingers brushing against his, he doesn't stay still beneath her touch. whether out of impulse or a choice of his own, bellamy both thinks and doesn't think about how it may or may not have been his conscious decision to hook his fingers around hers. the dog doesn't even seem to notice, perhaps remaining as calm as she had observed him to be. ]
She had Mom. It wasn't just her and me. [ and though it's almost arrogant to think it, he knows she knows the story of aurora blake. it's one he thinks the council told the people of the ark to dissuade them from breaking the rules. it's a story of how it'll always come to bite you in the ass — or your eldest will simply let you down. it's easier to brush it aside, because it doesn't quite fit how he sees himself. ]
[ shifting his hips on the bed, he glances up at her and cracks a smile, ] But I'll make sure to tell her you said that.
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Make sure you remember it. [Which means not remember it to tell Octavia, but remember so he can tell himself. She can sense that he's not that sure he had anything good to offer in Octavia's life, but he's wrong. She's not biased, she just knows. She's seen him be a good person. And a good brother.]
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[ he looks at her, appearing slightly amused. bellamy won't ever repeat it, not even to inform someone else raven reyes had said something kind about him. even if he was to promise it, he wouldn't. she'd need to say it for herself, never quite being able to trust him to do anything he promises when it comes to himself. ]
[ he doesn't pull his hand away. it's a hell of a lot easier than cuddling. ]
I feel like I've got a lot to remember already.
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It's his fault, worming his way under her skin like that. (What a jerk.)]
I know. You might end up needing to forget a few details about Heracles to clear up space.
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[ and bellamy's not keen to forget where that constellation is. if he has to forget one minor detail of heracles, then the entire impact of finding him in the night sky is lost on him. losing a small portion of the story means he loses the star — and bellamy's a little possessive over his greek stories. ]
I'll have to pick another story to forget. [ his finger brushes over one of her knuckles. he teases, ] Maybe the car one.
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[Her eyebrows raise, both of them.] Which car one?
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The one where they need to slow down and get some anger management. [ her favourite film, or the only one he's really recalled that she seems to favour. he looks to zelo, finding that his eyes are closed, tail still. bellamy doesn't withdraw from her to pick him up and startle him awake. he smiles, ] I could spare that one.
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You know this isn't going to work if you keep dissing all my favorite things, Blake.
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[ looking up at the ceiling, smile wide, ] Then tell me something you hate and I'll forget that instead.
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Ark politics.
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[ for the turmoil it'd given octavia, for the trouble it'd tossed toward mom, bellamy isn't he biggest fan of ark politics at all. there's proof in his actions, from hiding octavia and trying to protect mom to shooting jaha and removing those wristbands to sabotage the council. he hasn't forgotten what his actions have caused, consequences he has to live with each and every day. but he isn't the greatest fan of ark politics. ]
Guess I've made space for what you want me to remember. [ his brows furrow as he tries to lighten the mood, ] That I'm the best shot.
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She grabs for the chance to make light of the mood.] Pfft, well I don't hate that part, so you'll never forget it.
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[ he rolls onto his side again. zelo shifts, lifting his head, but rests it again as though he hadn't felt a shake underneath him. bellamy keeps his other arm far from his dog, not wanting to unsettle him when he seems to be comfortable and even content. he looks at him, ] Maybe I should move him before he takes over.
[ because a tiny dog that doesn't so much as move or even snore is going to take over a bed bigger than him. maybe bellamy's seeing the future where zelo, much bigger than he is, actually does succeed in conquering his bed. ]
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No, not yet. [she's very quiet in her plea, but then again she doesn't ask for a lot of things.]
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You know he snores? Louder than a car at times. [ zelo doesn't even shift or acknowledge he's being spoken of. bellamy looks at him, lifts his other hand to brush his fingers in his fur, but stops at the last minute to drop it. ] I'm surprised you don't hear him from your place.
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Yeah, your life with two dogs must be so hard.
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[ he says it immediately, looking and sounding serious as he schools his expression and wipes the smile from his face. ] They try to sleep on me. [ which may or may not be the truth, but considering how they're always on his bed — it's the only thing that makes sense. ]
[ his thumb moves against the back of her hand. ]
Imagine that sound being so close to your ear. Maybe you'll stop liking it then.
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