[ resting his arms on his legs, bellamy remains hunched over instead of relaxing into the cushions or even letting them swallow him whole. ]
[ he inhales deeply to only release it, finding that it doesn't alleviate him of the tension coiling itself around his bones. she may sit beside him, the couch dipping under her weight, but he doesn't look at her, not even from the corner of his eye. ]
I don't know what to think. [ and that's the part he doesn't like, not knowing. if it hadn't been for maya knowing her way through mount weather, he'd have been too lost to locate jasper and get their own plan in action. he knows he's the one with the plans, the leader, the one who is meant to know what to do, but bellamy finds himself at a loss in eudio. he's taken a beating from mount weather, from kane, from clarke herself, and his own confidence in his leadership is in the tatters it had been in when they'd lost finn and clarke before the first batch of grounders were toasted. ]
[ he doesn't look at her head on, but turns his head slightly, focusing on her legs instead. he doesn't want to see her face, any of the potential pity that may pinch her features. he wants to go back to joking, too. but he sounds like he's had rope wrapped around his throat, and maybe he has. ] I just know I don't want to make the mistake they did. Blindly trusting people because they're nice to you almost got us all killed.
[For a few moments, she curls and uncurls her fingers, like they're itching to move forward and touch him, like she is. He's held her, when Finn died, she remembers him catching her and she remembers his grip being solid and anchoring. She wants to give that back, but she threw him down this road with her arguments, so it doesn't feel like she has the right.
Her hands stay firmly in her lap.
And then she lets out a laugh, short and brittle.] Sorry - I just...I tried to picture a world where either of us would trust someone blindly, and I can't. [Does that help? She doesn't think they'd run that risk. She doesn't feel in danger here, but she hasn't asked for an upgrade on her leg for a reason. There are people who could more than burn this place to the ground, but that doesn't mean the people who invited them here wouldn't put up a fight too.
She doesn't trust blindly, but by knowing what she's up against. Three months is long enough to know what she's up against.]
[ he remains unaware of her own plight when it comes to touching him. truthfully, for now, he doesn't want to be touched, not when he can look down at his hands and see lovejoy's neck between his fingers and feel them crushing his windpipe. it's the very reason he doesn't think he can do this, reverting back to thinking himself a monster for not only taking a proud little boy's father from him but for not being able to protect someone like maya. ]
[ she laughs, and it breaks where he wanders, even if the sound is mirthless. he looks at her bemusedly before she thinks to explain, understanding smoothing out the furrow of his brows and soothing his raised hackles some more. he does crack the tiniest of short lived smiles, knowing there's to be something funny in that. but he does believe raven truly deserves to have that, somewhere that makes her feel safe without question. ]
Sorry. [ he lets his eyes drop to her hands, but he just thinks she wishes to fix something, or keep busy, pulling apart radios. ] I know you wanted this place to be something good for you.
[ and he's waltzed right in and ruined it. maybe that's why he left before. maybe he had felt himself so close to bursting he had chosen to leave so clarke would have her wish and raven would find her peace. ]
[She turns her hands over, palms facing upwards and open, on top of her knees. It's not an offer, not quite, but it's a possibility; his own choice, she doesn't care. She doesn't care.
He misses her short-lived amusement looking down, but oh well.] Hey, you know. Made you remember traumatic events in your life -- let's say we're even.
[She goes silent for a while, in deep thought.] Bellamy - what happens if you dig and find nothing? What will you do if Eudio is clean?
[ it's hard to imagine this place being clean. nothing is — he imagines jasper and monty had thought that of mount weather, or at least jasper had thought maya represented a portion of mount weather he had clung to so desperately when clarke had opted to escape, leaving their people behind. it's hard to comprehend that any place comes without its cons, but if eudio is clean, if the only negative of this world is that he has to consider being physically affectionate with people when he can't remember how to do that anymore, then he supposes he'll live a life that's boring without its dangerous adventures. ]
[ he looks at her hands, and it's so easy for him to ignore it. he's never asked for help in a day of his life, earning his invitation onto the guard because mom did. the representatives had approached him. the guard had approached him. he'd taken what murphy had tried to create with the militia on the ground and had claimed it as his own. he can't remember the last time he asked for help — and he knows that this is an offer of it, even though bellamy doubts a hand will change anything at all. ]
[ it's on purpose, even though he tries to pretend it isn't, wanting to fool even himself, that he looks away when he reaches out for her hand. his fingers don't slip between the spaces of her own. his fingers wrap around her fingers, as if trying to trap them together. he wonders if anyone had held her hand when he'd been locked up in the ark with murphy. he wonders if things would've been better if he had had someone's hand to hold rather than running around mount weather blind until maya had found him. ]
[ he's quiet for a while, wondering what he'd do if this place ended up clean, if the only dirt he'd find is on the bottom of his own shoes. his deal will never change from wanting to protect octavia — my sister, my responsibility — but he thinks, maybe, if he can, he'd extend its reach, protecting her from more than just the dangers of a world that wants to kill them all. from grief and loss and losing more of herself than she can hold onto, maybe he can fix their own family by righting a wrong done by the council that had seen them torn apart in the first place. ]
Change my deal. [ it's as simple as that; he'd make the eudio representatives work for his help. the delinquents never had to. he looks at her then before he drops his gaze to where his fingers grip her own, not too tightly, but not so soft that it's as though he's not holding onto her at all. ]
[Bring everyone here, is what crosses Raven's mind as the only really important deal. They could split responsibility - each take half of their people's invitations or something of the sort. It could work. If Eudio isn't the dollhouse he fears, what better place to escape their world anyway?
She curls her fingers over his and leaves the grip at that.]
You'll have to play along. [Low, serious; this part isn't just because to her the city has helped, this part is real.] Or at the very least show them you're making some sort of effort. If they think you don't want to be here...you'd leave [unintentionally, she tightens her grip on his hand, thumb digging into the back of his palm] before you figure it out.
[ and maybe that's the problem — bellamy doesn't want to act, not as he had in mount weather, pretending to be one of them in what he thinks to be a truly poor performance. he doesn't even know if he had been convincing as a guard in the mountain, given he was more like a ghost than any tangible being. ]
[ her grip isn't lost on him, given it draws his gaze to their hands before he thinks to look up at her. ]
Apparently our files magically automatically update. [ that sounds like a double negative, but, it's true — they magically and automatically update, if what samantha said is to be true. he frowns, ] How the hell am I meant to convince something I don't understand? [ he wants the benefits of eudio, but he doesn't want to earn it by giving his trust to people who may backstab him — or whom he may let down once more. ]
[ this is just another plan of bellamy blake's that's beginning to fall to pieces. ]
I'm pretty sure this is updating your file right now. [She lets the matter drop into his lap, casual and pretending not to give it importance. Not to say something like 'touch the people you trust', because she doesn't think he's so stupid that he would force himself into something he doesn't want. Eudio would pick up on it, she's pretty sure.
And they haven't exactly been on top of each other today, but there has been contact. There has been intimacy; it counts as such, as far as Raven goes.]
We fought the Grounders even before we understood them.
Sometimes I wish we never did. [ it's just a quiet admission he knows isn't completely true. getting to know the grounders made things less black and white but more grey. lexa had made things complicated for them, just as lincoln had been a breath of fresh air for bellamy, knowing if anything's to happen to him octavia had someone to watch her back, even if she didn't need it most of the time. echo's no one to him, but he remembers what she'd done for him in mount weather — it's not something he can easily brush aside, calling her a savage and nothing more. ]
[ for bellamy, he thinks this is enough. it's not his hand in hers, but the meaning of it — trusting someone to not stab him in the back, forcing him to hang himself ... he wouldn't have taken her silently spoken offer, one that he had wondered if he had misconstrued the moment he acted on impulse, if he hadn't felt himself grow a little closer to her. o hasn't heard anything of what had occurred in mount weather to him and he hopes she never does. ]
I don't think holding hands is going to get us anywhere close to getting what we want. [ but at least it's a start. he's not quite the hopeless cause he'd suspected himself to be. ]
[What a flawed human being he turned out to be, all full of hypocrisy. He doesn't want things to be black and white, but when they're grey he gets mad and wishes otherwise. Still, she agrees; she wishes they'd never ever ever agreed to get to know the Grounders, because look what their price was. They'd been implementing the rules of their alliance since the start, taking and taking and taking; they'll take the way to turn Reapers back to people, they took the right to punish Finn like one of theirs, they took the way he was buried.
She draws her eyebrows into a frown at first, and then raises them.] You don't have to be that subtle with me, if you want a cuddle you could just ask.
[ bellamy looks away from her and rolls his eyes. truthfully, he doesn't know what he wants. he wants one thing to only not want it anymore, declaring it loudly to not be good enough when it's really him he deems to be undeserving. does he want a cuddle? no. does he not want a cuddle? no. it's a hell of a lot easier to just answer with no for almost everything. ]
[ but he looks at her again, thinking she's joking, and maybe she really is making fun of him. it'd make the situation a little lighter, given he's dimmed it right down into murkiness. his voice is a slight deadpan, ] You're mistaking me for someone who likes cuddling.
[It's easier to make light of situation with a joke, around him. She's noticed this, like she's noticed that she can slip into that role, without a lot of a hitch. He rolls his eyes, she rolls hers.]
No, I'm correctly taking you for someone who hasn't done it a lot.
You hold my hand and suddenly you know everything about me? [ as defensive as the statement should be, he sounds amused, his eyebrow arched as he looks at her. the squeeze of his fingers means nothing, only emphasising the fact that through the holding of hands, she's to gain nothing but the feel of the callouses on his fingers. ]
[ truthfully, she's right. bellamy hasn't cuddled anyone, refusing to let too many get close. even though he'd indulged himself while on the ground, having fun with a few of the girls, he doesn't think it'd fulfil the quota of physical intimacy eudio upholds. cuddling means something serious, and bellamy blake doesn't really cuddle. ]
[She thinks to tell him yes, she knows enough about him to count. What Octavia means to him, what motivates him, what he looks like when he comes, what he kisses like, how much truth is in his words when he says he doesn't care, what kind of a leader he is, which are some of his favourite stories, what he'd name his pets if he had them.
But instead, she shrugs one shoulder, leans the elbow of the hand he's holding in his against her knee, and leans towards him a little, just to hold his gaze.] Why not? You know almost everything about me, and you just rubbed my foot.
I know almost everything about you. [ he repeats it, like it's something he's meant to believe in but clearly doesn't. if he's to rattle his mind about the things he knows of her, he'd find he may know a little more than what he thinks or even delves deep to locate. finn had meant more to her than anyone could comprehend; she'd been an adventurer even while on the ark, perhaps wanting to be a zero g so desperately but not as desperately as she wished for the stars that she risked her future for a walk in space; she thinks running away from people spares them; she has enough tolerance to deal with him. he doesn't want to acknowledge or even think about how his words are always the ones that seem to impact her most. he doubts she'd focused on the fact that he'd said she saved him when she'd been prying into mount weather. ]
[ still, he looks at her skeptically. ] So what if I rubbed your foot? What I know about you is that you think it means something. Your foot was there. I touched it.
[She smells a lot of bullshit and backtracking, which is familiar because she does this part a lot too. And here she goes,] Guess you did. [Then, she tilts her head and squints at him thoughtfully.]
[ the answer is of course. bellamy blake can't exist without octavia blake, and even though he's come to understand she doesn't need him anymore, it doesn't mean he doesn't need her. your sister, your responsibility has been drilled into his head over and over. bellamy would've told the eudio representatives where to shove it if it wasn't for octavia. ]
[ the answer is obvious to anyone who has ever seen bellamy interact with his sister. ]
[ he pauses for a moment and frowns. ] Why wouldn't I?
[She's just making a point here; making a point is more important to her right now than acknowledging the fact that she's basically giving him reasons to want to cuddle her. Something which she, usually, doesn't do.
But being right is more important here.]
So if there's a chance, even a remote chance, that Eudio's promises aren't empty, you're going to try and fill your end of the bargain anyway. So do it with someone who you trust -- trust someone.
[ regardless of how desperately he's tried to push the ludicrous deal far, far away from him, bellamy has had every intention of fulfilling his end of the bargain and then some. he wants o protected. he wants her to be safer than she would ever be when with him. ]
[ he may have the motivation, but he doesn't have the trust or comfort to go along with it. ]
[ what she says is basic common sense, but bellamy almost enjoys making everything almost too difficult for himself, especially when he takes to dipping his feet into a creek of self-loathing. ]
[ he continues to look at her, almost appearing bemused, ] I really doubt you want to cuddle right now.
[ bellamy blake only trusts two people in this city completely right now, and one of them happens to be sitting beside him, her hand warm in his. ]
[ isn't that really the perfect time to cuddle? he remembers his mother would always hug him after a moment that had clutched at his heart and had scared him worse than the dark at times. but bellamy doesn't comment on it. if he does, he thinks she'd read something into it that isn't there. ]
[ he looks at her before he glances away, focusing on the opposite wall. ]
[ he breathes out, ] Maybe not today. [ he's feeling a little drained, and a part of him knows he'd be skittish if she even tried. ]
[She feels skittish, like she should try; it won't stop being awkward as hell until they get started, anyway. But also, because she's just as hesitant to try. If it were someone else -- she has no way of knowing, really, which way the wind would blow if it were someone else.]
[ it's weird to consider what they need to do here in order to survive doesn't involve aiming a rifle at another human being or trying to create a bomb. it doesn't even involve infiltration, where he'd been so afraid of not being able to contact those on the other side that when he'd heard raven's voice on the end each and every time, his hackles were soothed and he felt a little more grounded than he had the last. it's odd to think all they have to do is be a softer version of who they could be — or perhaps simply be who they are. ]
[ he knows it for what it is — it's not quite an agreement, but it's something else on her own offer of i owe you. except, it doesn't feel like it's out of obligation at all, given he'd stripped it of that the very moment she thought to offer herself to ensure he met his own reason for being here. ]
If you wanted to only hear about Cerberus and Hades ... [ he begins to unwrap his hand from hers. ] Maybe I should go.
[It's not all that correct. She's not that much of a bitch, and sometimes she feels lonely, but the point is - the point is, she didn't just call him over for stories. She doesn't know why she did, but...]
No, stay. [She leaves her hand limp, so he can pull away if he still wants to.]
[ he nods, almost to himself. he remains put, but his hand doesn't quite move from hers, even if his grip is no longer as hard or tight as before. it just sits in her hand, as if he's forgotten to pull it back. it's his own acceptance of her own offer; he supposes she doesn't want to be alone. ]
What does Raven Reyes even do when she's not making bullets? [ he looks at her, then. he finds himself changing from being uncertain and a fish out of water to still being a fish out of water but somewhat comfortable. ]
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[ he inhales deeply to only release it, finding that it doesn't alleviate him of the tension coiling itself around his bones. she may sit beside him, the couch dipping under her weight, but he doesn't look at her, not even from the corner of his eye. ]
I don't know what to think. [ and that's the part he doesn't like, not knowing. if it hadn't been for maya knowing her way through mount weather, he'd have been too lost to locate jasper and get their own plan in action. he knows he's the one with the plans, the leader, the one who is meant to know what to do, but bellamy finds himself at a loss in eudio. he's taken a beating from mount weather, from kane, from clarke herself, and his own confidence in his leadership is in the tatters it had been in when they'd lost finn and clarke before the first batch of grounders were toasted. ]
[ he doesn't look at her head on, but turns his head slightly, focusing on her legs instead. he doesn't want to see her face, any of the potential pity that may pinch her features. he wants to go back to joking, too. but he sounds like he's had rope wrapped around his throat, and maybe he has. ] I just know I don't want to make the mistake they did. Blindly trusting people because they're nice to you almost got us all killed.
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Her hands stay firmly in her lap.
And then she lets out a laugh, short and brittle.] Sorry - I just...I tried to picture a world where either of us would trust someone blindly, and I can't. [Does that help? She doesn't think they'd run that risk. She doesn't feel in danger here, but she hasn't asked for an upgrade on her leg for a reason. There are people who could more than burn this place to the ground, but that doesn't mean the people who invited them here wouldn't put up a fight too.
She doesn't trust blindly, but by knowing what she's up against. Three months is long enough to know what she's up against.]
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[ she laughs, and it breaks where he wanders, even if the sound is mirthless. he looks at her bemusedly before she thinks to explain, understanding smoothing out the furrow of his brows and soothing his raised hackles some more. he does crack the tiniest of short lived smiles, knowing there's to be something funny in that. but he does believe raven truly deserves to have that, somewhere that makes her feel safe without question. ]
Sorry. [ he lets his eyes drop to her hands, but he just thinks she wishes to fix something, or keep busy, pulling apart radios. ] I know you wanted this place to be something good for you.
[ and he's waltzed right in and ruined it. maybe that's why he left before. maybe he had felt himself so close to bursting he had chosen to leave so clarke would have her wish and raven would find her peace. ]
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He misses her short-lived amusement looking down, but oh well.] Hey, you know. Made you remember traumatic events in your life -- let's say we're even.
[She goes silent for a while, in deep thought.] Bellamy - what happens if you dig and find nothing? What will you do if Eudio is clean?
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[ he looks at her hands, and it's so easy for him to ignore it. he's never asked for help in a day of his life, earning his invitation onto the guard because mom did. the representatives had approached him. the guard had approached him. he'd taken what murphy had tried to create with the militia on the ground and had claimed it as his own. he can't remember the last time he asked for help — and he knows that this is an offer of it, even though bellamy doubts a hand will change anything at all. ]
[ it's on purpose, even though he tries to pretend it isn't, wanting to fool even himself, that he looks away when he reaches out for her hand. his fingers don't slip between the spaces of her own. his fingers wrap around her fingers, as if trying to trap them together. he wonders if anyone had held her hand when he'd been locked up in the ark with murphy. he wonders if things would've been better if he had had someone's hand to hold rather than running around mount weather blind until maya had found him. ]
[ he's quiet for a while, wondering what he'd do if this place ended up clean, if the only dirt he'd find is on the bottom of his own shoes. his deal will never change from wanting to protect octavia — my sister, my responsibility — but he thinks, maybe, if he can, he'd extend its reach, protecting her from more than just the dangers of a world that wants to kill them all. from grief and loss and losing more of herself than she can hold onto, maybe he can fix their own family by righting a wrong done by the council that had seen them torn apart in the first place. ]
Change my deal. [ it's as simple as that; he'd make the eudio representatives work for his help. the delinquents never had to. he looks at her then before he drops his gaze to where his fingers grip her own, not too tightly, but not so soft that it's as though he's not holding onto her at all. ]
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She curls her fingers over his and leaves the grip at that.]
You'll have to play along. [Low, serious; this part isn't just because to her the city has helped, this part is real.] Or at the very least show them you're making some sort of effort. If they think you don't want to be here...you'd leave [unintentionally, she tightens her grip on his hand, thumb digging into the back of his palm] before you figure it out.
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[ her grip isn't lost on him, given it draws his gaze to their hands before he thinks to look up at her. ]
Apparently our files magically automatically update. [ that sounds like a double negative, but, it's true — they magically and automatically update, if what samantha said is to be true. he frowns, ] How the hell am I meant to convince something I don't understand? [ he wants the benefits of eudio, but he doesn't want to earn it by giving his trust to people who may backstab him — or whom he may let down once more. ]
[ this is just another plan of bellamy blake's that's beginning to fall to pieces. ]
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And they haven't exactly been on top of each other today, but there has been contact. There has been intimacy; it counts as such, as far as Raven goes.]
We fought the Grounders even before we understood them.
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[ for bellamy, he thinks this is enough. it's not his hand in hers, but the meaning of it — trusting someone to not stab him in the back, forcing him to hang himself ... he wouldn't have taken her silently spoken offer, one that he had wondered if he had misconstrued the moment he acted on impulse, if he hadn't felt himself grow a little closer to her. o hasn't heard anything of what had occurred in mount weather to him and he hopes she never does. ]
I don't think holding hands is going to get us anywhere close to getting what we want. [ but at least it's a start. he's not quite the hopeless cause he'd suspected himself to be. ]
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She draws her eyebrows into a frown at first, and then raises them.] You don't have to be that subtle with me, if you want a cuddle you could just ask.
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[ but he looks at her again, thinking she's joking, and maybe she really is making fun of him. it'd make the situation a little lighter, given he's dimmed it right down into murkiness. his voice is a slight deadpan, ] You're mistaking me for someone who likes cuddling.
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No, I'm correctly taking you for someone who hasn't done it a lot.
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[ truthfully, she's right. bellamy hasn't cuddled anyone, refusing to let too many get close. even though he'd indulged himself while on the ground, having fun with a few of the girls, he doesn't think it'd fulfil the quota of physical intimacy eudio upholds. cuddling means something serious, and bellamy blake doesn't really cuddle. ]
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But instead, she shrugs one shoulder, leans the elbow of the hand he's holding in his against her knee, and leans towards him a little, just to hold his gaze.] Why not? You know almost everything about me, and you just rubbed my foot.
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[ still, he looks at her skeptically. ] So what if I rubbed your foot? What I know about you is that you think it means something. Your foot was there. I touched it.
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You asked for something for Octavia, didn't you?
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[ the answer is obvious to anyone who has ever seen bellamy interact with his sister. ]
[ he pauses for a moment and frowns. ] Why wouldn't I?
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But being right is more important here.]
So if there's a chance, even a remote chance, that Eudio's promises aren't empty, you're going to try and fill your end of the bargain anyway. So do it with someone who you trust -- trust someone.
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[ he may have the motivation, but he doesn't have the trust or comfort to go along with it. ]
[ what she says is basic common sense, but bellamy almost enjoys making everything almost too difficult for himself, especially when he takes to dipping his feet into a creek of self-loathing. ]
[ he continues to look at her, almost appearing bemused, ] I really doubt you want to cuddle right now.
[ bellamy blake only trusts two people in this city completely right now, and one of them happens to be sitting beside him, her hand warm in his. ]
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You mean after all these light-hearted conversations? [She shrugs.] No. But -- I don't have a schedule for when I'll want to ready for you.
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[ he looks at her before he glances away, focusing on the opposite wall. ]
[ he breathes out, ] Maybe not today. [ he's feeling a little drained, and a part of him knows he'd be skittish if she even tried. ]
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Yeah, maybe not.
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[ he knows it for what it is — it's not quite an agreement, but it's something else on her own offer of i owe you. except, it doesn't feel like it's out of obligation at all, given he'd stripped it of that the very moment she thought to offer herself to ensure he met his own reason for being here. ]
If you wanted to only hear about Cerberus and Hades ... [ he begins to unwrap his hand from hers. ] Maybe I should go.
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No, stay. [She leaves her hand limp, so he can pull away if he still wants to.]
You could - you can hang out, if you want.
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What does Raven Reyes even do when she's not making bullets? [ he looks at her, then. he finds himself changing from being uncertain and a fish out of water to still being a fish out of water but somewhat comfortable. ]
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