[ he interprets her answer to be a simple one: they've never had anything that's theirs and theirs alone. everything he's ever had was shared with her, sometimes begrudgingly and most of the time out of a desire to give it to her. even on the ground, his tent isn't necessarily his, as hardly anyone hits the fabric before venturing in. ]
[ sometimes he wonders if she feels like she has to share him with everyone else on the ground. but it's not a thought he likes to have, or even wants to ask. ]
[ leaning into her again, he tries to catch her gaze. softly, ] Hey. You know you can talk to me.
[ it's true. boundaries are one of the reasons she doesn't go charging into his place. not because she doesn't feel comfortable doing it, it's that she wants her own place, one that's hers and not his or anyone else's. and if she respects his space, maybe he'll do the same for her.
it's not about sharing him, not exactly. it's more like their problems on the ground seem so much bigger, it puts a space between them, physically and mentally, it's made them less close. and sharing becomes harder.
she looks at him when he seeks out her gaze.] I don't like that I left you here.
[ bellamy glances away, bowing his head for a moment. it's a tough pill to swallow, knowing octavia wanted to leave. but what he can't quite fathom is how he hadn't followed her. every part of him had been screaming to — and he'd tried to, in a way, by going into the woods to be by himself so he could think it all over. ]
[ but he hadn't followed her. ]
[ it'd been hope, something he's never quite had ever since she was thrown into the sky box, that had kept him here. hope for her to come back, and for them to enjoy the city together. and now that he has her back, with a minor stipulation with memories, he's found having hope isn't such a bad thing, especially when it's invested in someone he can count on. ]
[ he lifts his gaze back to her, expression soft. ] I don't like that I didn't go with you. But … [ he reaches for her hand, wanting to interlace her fingers with his. ] I don't hate you for it, O. I could never hate you for doing what you need to do, especially if it's for yourself.
[ octavia gets why he didn't follow. it had to have hurt to have her choose to leave him. and this place... it's too good to be true. she's early enough along that she feels like she never wants to leave, that even with things starting to ramp up back home, she thinks maybe they're both better off here.
she doesn't pull away from his touch, she glancing at him.] Well, I was stupid or something. This place is better than back... there. [ it's not home.]
I don't think you doing what you believe is best for you is stupid, O.
[ he says it gently, giving her hand a squeeze. as much as it had hurt for her to leave him be, to feel like he wasn't enough to keep her in the city, he knows she had to follow her own path, just as he has to start walking along his. if it means they're separated, he'll always believe that's to be temporary. bellamy will always gravitate back toward octavia. ]
Sometimes this place is great. Sometimes it's … not. I guess it comes down to what you make of it. How you use your time here.
[ okay, so he's right. she doesn't think that doing what she believes is best is stupid but she wonders how it could be best for her to be away from bellamy. and a sad though rushes through her head, wondering what bellamy had done to make her feel like it was fine to leave him here.
did the rift between them never get repaired? maybe that's what she should have asked for.]
[ he shrugs, and watches one of the dogs. zelo sits, and nike wanders, and he wonders if raven had been right when she said they reminded her of them. octavia wanders while he sits, waiting for her to come back to him. ]
When people leave. [ he looks at her, then drops his gaze to her hands. when people leave, it sucks. there's a hole that opens up and it's impossible to fill, so bellamy tries not to feel it at all. people come and go, and that's simply the unnatural nature of the city. octavia's come and gone, and though he's wished for her to return every passing second, he's always known she'd come back to him — or him to her, removing himself from this city to be by her side or be her shadow. ]
Back home, there's no chance of them coming back. But here … Sometimes the waiting and the wondering is the worst part. I used to think it'd be better if I just didn't know it could happen.
I'm not going to leave without you this time. [ not while she's got him back and he doesn't hate her. she still feels a little sour about how he handled things back on the ground but that doesn't mean she wants to leave him, that she won't put him first.
things are only cracked between them, not broken like they become in the future.
she bumps his shoulder and offers him a slight smile.] So there.
[ he looks up and smiles at her when she bumps his shoulder. ] I'm glad. I don't really want you to leave.
[ if bellamy's own conflicted feelings as to what he should do — follow her or remain behind and fulfil his end of the deal, and perhaps tack on a few more — are anything to go by, it's the one moment in time where he's clearly become uncertain of what course of action to take when it comes to octavia. he's always been able to make those decisions almost easily and eagerly. ]
[ he leans in closer to her. ] But if you want to go, you should. I don't want you to stay here because of me.
[ instead of arguing with him or going further, she decides to lighten the mood a little, trying not to think of raven or the things they've been really talking about it. she snorts, rolling her eyes--] Geeze, if you want me to go, just say it.
[ fortunately for octavia, those aren't words he's intent on saying to her ever. ]
You're such a pain in my ass. [ bellamy reaches out to wrap his arm around her shoulders, uncaring if him pulling her toward him is welcome or not. he kisses the top of her head, and looks out toward nike, who's rolling around on the grass before flopping over and remaining still. ]
[ zelo remains in front of her, tail wagging slowly before it stops sweeping along the pavement. when he looks back to her, his arm remains around her shoulders. ] You going to be okay?
[ she looks satisfied with his assessment of her mostly because she strives to be a pain of his ass, always. she grins at him even as he pulls her closer. letting him do it for a second or two before she pushes him away and moves forward to zelo to pet the dog.]
I'm always okay. [ because of him. although that's not easy to admit that much, even if it's the truth. she backs up at him--] Are you?
[ leaning back on his hands, he watches her move easily toward zelo. he smiles at the sight of it; before, she'd been so terrified of those dogs, and now it's a completely different story. it's simply another thing the ark hadn't allowed them to have, the nuclear apocalypse had taken from them. ]
[ he thinks to answer back with i'm fine. it's the default response of bellamy blake, after all, and he enjoys being consistent. but he watches octavia with the dog, and thinks to tell her everything — things from home, how clarke and he had ended things, what had occurred in the space between him arriving and her returning — but he figures it's for another time. ]
[ the dogs had been unsettling at first. it took well over a week for her to be comfortable with them even being in the same room, what with the way they always wanted to sniff her or be touched. then tolerance grew to genuine affection. so petting zelo is easy now and zelo seems to like it just fine.
honestly, she's a little surprised when he says something other than his default lie. the one he says to save face or rather, save her from feeling anything but comforted. she glances at him again.]
[ he hardly lets himself hope outside of octavia. when he'd heard of the kids being dropped to the ground, he'd hoped his plan to get on that dropship and find octavia would work. while half of it did the moment those doors closed, he had to wait until they'd dropped to the ground safely to find her. ]
[ for anyone else, he hardly makes it a point to appear hopeful. he tricks himself into believing he isn't, either. he hadn't wanted to hope for clarke to turn around. he hadn't wanted to hope things between himself and raven would get easier. he hadn't wanted to hope octavia would come back to the city. ]
Maybe.
[ he pauses, and thinks to leave his answer at that. for anyone else, he wouldn't give as much as he has to octavia. but she's his sister, and if there's anyone in the world who's his person, it's her. ]
It was. [ raven was sort of like a sister she never had even in the short time their residence in this city overlapped. they'd had fun together. and she'd been a confidante to octavia in a way that bellamy couldn't be. they'd gotten into some trouble together and it had been fun.
octavia would miss that.]
Can we just go inside and eat pizza and watch a movie?
[ bellamy smiles and pulls himself forward to look at her. ] O, I don't have pizza at my place. I have to go get it.
[ despite having the chance to have his fridge filled to the brim with crap inside of it, from drinks to leftovers and everything in between, bellamy still keeps it almost empty. only the essentials go in there, even after a year of having the chance to indulge himself and go wild. ]
[ she throws him a look.] You do know you can have it delivered, right? [ octavia has her own fridge filled to the brim just because she can. she isn't wasteful, she eats everything and runs it off every morning. she runs for miles, runs because she can, runs because there's no one to chase her, runs because thomas showed her how it can be fun.]
[ is she really surprised bellamy doesn't have it delivered? it's an option he doesn't take, mostly because he never thinks of it. fetching dinner means he gets out of his apartment and away from his headspace when it gets particularly dark. but octavia doesn't need to know that. ]
[ he smiles, and nudges her with his elbow. ] You want me at your place? I was starting to think you didn't want me around, O.
[ he follows suit, standing up and dusting the back of his jeans off with his hands. he smiles, and thinks to say something smart and most likely weird back to her, but opts not to. if octavia wants him in her space, then he's going to accept the invitation gladly. he's spent all of his life allowing her into his; to know she wants to show him what's finally hers means more to bellamy than he wants to let on. ]
You want the dogs at yours?
[ zelo's glancing over his shoulder at them, tail sweeping against the ground. nike's picking herself up to come back over to them now that they've moved. it's all about the promise of being the centre of attention with that one. ]
[ it's probably not the first time she's had him to hers but maybe it's the first time she's actually invited him over instead of something that occurs naturally. ]
Yeah, they can come. [ another stride for her. but she's pretty sure that she's never going to get used to or be okay with that snowgie thing. she pulls her keys out of the pocket of her probably-too-short shorts before heading towards the door.]
[ bellamy lingers behind to round up the dogs, bending slightly so he can tap his legs as a gesture for them to come forward and to him. nike bounds toward him happily and brushes right by him, but zelo's a harder sell. ]
[ eventually, he comes. ]
[ he doesn't reach down to grab them by a collar they don't wear or the scruff of their necks. unsurprisingly, bellamy's trained them to behave. they're like his gunners, if a little hairier and needier than the kids who had formed his militia back home. ]
[ cocking his head to the side, he looks at her with a smile. ] Lead the way.
[ octavia wouldn't like the dogs as much if she knew he thought of them in that way, like those kids he'd riled up and held under his thumb in an attempt to keep them on the ground without any adults. octavia still had mixed feelings about all of that.
she wasn't think about home for now, her stomach was churning with the sudden and new need for food even if she'd already had an early dinner.
she gets them inside and towards the elevator, pressing the button as her spine straightens in anticipation of the ride up. she's just a floor lower than bellamy and two apartments over.]
[ packing two dogs inside of an elevator is difficult when they're not shoved inside of purses. they're too big and they're too curious, and bellamy finds it amusing how they've been inside this elevator many times over and yet still press their snouts to every corner they can sniff. ]
[ he leans against the back wall, watching the numbers on top of the two doors begin to count. zelo brushes against his leg as nike's tail whacks octavia's. they enjoy the elevator ride more than he does, and he doubts octavia's particularly happy to be inside of the box again. ]
[ glancing over at octavia, he smiles. ] You didn't have to do that.
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[ he interprets her answer to be a simple one: they've never had anything that's theirs and theirs alone. everything he's ever had was shared with her, sometimes begrudgingly and most of the time out of a desire to give it to her. even on the ground, his tent isn't necessarily his, as hardly anyone hits the fabric before venturing in. ]
[ sometimes he wonders if she feels like she has to share him with everyone else on the ground. but it's not a thought he likes to have, or even wants to ask. ]
[ leaning into her again, he tries to catch her gaze. softly, ] Hey. You know you can talk to me.
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it's not about sharing him, not exactly. it's more like their problems on the ground seem so much bigger, it puts a space between them, physically and mentally, it's made them less close. and sharing becomes harder.
she looks at him when he seeks out her gaze.] I don't like that I left you here.
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[ but he hadn't followed her. ]
[ it'd been hope, something he's never quite had ever since she was thrown into the sky box, that had kept him here. hope for her to come back, and for them to enjoy the city together. and now that he has her back, with a minor stipulation with memories, he's found having hope isn't such a bad thing, especially when it's invested in someone he can count on. ]
[ he lifts his gaze back to her, expression soft. ] I don't like that I didn't go with you. But … [ he reaches for her hand, wanting to interlace her fingers with his. ] I don't hate you for it, O. I could never hate you for doing what you need to do, especially if it's for yourself.
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she doesn't pull away from his touch, she glancing at him.] Well, I was stupid or something. This place is better than back... there. [ it's not home.]
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[ he says it gently, giving her hand a squeeze. as much as it had hurt for her to leave him be, to feel like he wasn't enough to keep her in the city, he knows she had to follow her own path, just as he has to start walking along his. if it means they're separated, he'll always believe that's to be temporary. bellamy will always gravitate back toward octavia. ]
Sometimes this place is great. Sometimes it's … not. I guess it comes down to what you make of it. How you use your time here.
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did the rift between them never get repaired? maybe that's what she should have asked for.]
When is it not?
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When people leave. [ he looks at her, then drops his gaze to her hands. when people leave, it sucks. there's a hole that opens up and it's impossible to fill, so bellamy tries not to feel it at all. people come and go, and that's simply the unnatural nature of the city. octavia's come and gone, and though he's wished for her to return every passing second, he's always known she'd come back to him — or him to her, removing himself from this city to be by her side or be her shadow. ]
Back home, there's no chance of them coming back. But here … Sometimes the waiting and the wondering is the worst part. I used to think it'd be better if I just didn't know it could happen.
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things are only cracked between them, not broken like they become in the future.
she bumps his shoulder and offers him a slight smile.] So there.
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[ if bellamy's own conflicted feelings as to what he should do — follow her or remain behind and fulfil his end of the deal, and perhaps tack on a few more — are anything to go by, it's the one moment in time where he's clearly become uncertain of what course of action to take when it comes to octavia. he's always been able to make those decisions almost easily and eagerly. ]
[ he leans in closer to her. ] But if you want to go, you should. I don't want you to stay here because of me.
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You're such a pain in my ass. [ bellamy reaches out to wrap his arm around her shoulders, uncaring if him pulling her toward him is welcome or not. he kisses the top of her head, and looks out toward nike, who's rolling around on the grass before flopping over and remaining still. ]
[ zelo remains in front of her, tail wagging slowly before it stops sweeping along the pavement. when he looks back to her, his arm remains around her shoulders. ] You going to be okay?
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I'm always okay. [ because of him. although that's not easy to admit that much, even if it's the truth. she backs up at him--] Are you?
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[ he thinks to answer back with i'm fine. it's the default response of bellamy blake, after all, and he enjoys being consistent. but he watches octavia with the dog, and thinks to tell her everything — things from home, how clarke and he had ended things, what had occurred in the space between him arriving and her returning — but he figures it's for another time. ]
I'll be okay.
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honestly, she's a little surprised when he says something other than his default lie. the one he says to save face or rather, save her from feeling anything but comforted. she glances at him again.]
Maybe she'll come back.
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[ he hardly lets himself hope outside of octavia. when he'd heard of the kids being dropped to the ground, he'd hoped his plan to get on that dropship and find octavia would work. while half of it did the moment those doors closed, he had to wait until they'd dropped to the ground safely to find her. ]
[ for anyone else, he hardly makes it a point to appear hopeful. he tricks himself into believing he isn't, either. he hadn't wanted to hope for clarke to turn around. he hadn't wanted to hope things between himself and raven would get easier. he hadn't wanted to hope octavia would come back to the city. ]
Maybe.
[ he pauses, and thinks to leave his answer at that. for anyone else, he wouldn't give as much as he has to octavia. but she's his sister, and if there's anyone in the world who's his person, it's her. ]
Hopefully. It was nice having her around.
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octavia would miss that.]
Can we just go inside and eat pizza and watch a movie?
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[ despite having the chance to have his fridge filled to the brim with crap inside of it, from drinks to leftovers and everything in between, bellamy still keeps it almost empty. only the essentials go in there, even after a year of having the chance to indulge himself and go wild. ]
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I have food at my place.
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[ he smiles, and nudges her with his elbow. ] You want me at your place? I was starting to think you didn't want me around, O.
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And you're stupid if you think that. [ she moves to stand up, pushing zelo gently backward so she can without hitting him.]
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You want the dogs at yours?
[ zelo's glancing over his shoulder at them, tail sweeping against the ground. nike's picking herself up to come back over to them now that they've moved. it's all about the promise of being the centre of attention with that one. ]
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Yeah, they can come. [ another stride for her. but she's pretty sure that she's never going to get used to or be okay with that snowgie thing. she pulls her keys out of the pocket of her probably-too-short shorts before heading towards the door.]
I don't have dog food if they need that though.
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[ bellamy lingers behind to round up the dogs, bending slightly so he can tap his legs as a gesture for them to come forward and to him. nike bounds toward him happily and brushes right by him, but zelo's a harder sell. ]
[ eventually, he comes. ]
[ he doesn't reach down to grab them by a collar they don't wear or the scruff of their necks. unsurprisingly, bellamy's trained them to behave. they're like his gunners, if a little hairier and needier than the kids who had formed his militia back home. ]
[ cocking his head to the side, he looks at her with a smile. ] Lead the way.
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she wasn't think about home for now, her stomach was churning with the sudden and new need for food even if she'd already had an early dinner.
she gets them inside and towards the elevator, pressing the button as her spine straightens in anticipation of the ride up. she's just a floor lower than bellamy and two apartments over.]
I got them some toys.
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[ he leans against the back wall, watching the numbers on top of the two doors begin to count. zelo brushes against his leg as nike's tail whacks octavia's. they enjoy the elevator ride more than he does, and he doubts octavia's particularly happy to be inside of the box again. ]
[ glancing over at octavia, he smiles. ] You didn't have to do that.
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