[ anything he feels, he pushes it to the side. it's what he's been doing since he woke up and tried to call her. what bellamy does best is looking after people, especially octavia, and it's easier to focus on her than it is to acknowledge that he's once again lost someone. ]
[ the one question bellamy both dreads and believes himself to be skilled in never quite answering. sometimes he thinks it would be easier in a city like this, but he's found that, regardless, he still hates it. people ask that question for the same reasons mom did on the ark. it's one that's never going to go away. ]
[ will anyone from their home understand how infuriating it is sometimes to have a younger sister as stubborn as you but a completely better version of who you want to be? ]
[ bellamy doesn't answer her. perhaps he should, but he decides to keep his phone in hand but walk as quickly as he can from where he is in benson park. stretching his legs and simply not being cooped up in his apartment makes life a little easier, and with the dogs now fully grown and rowdier than they'd been as pups, he needs to take them as far away as he can to tire them out. ]
[ eventually, he's on the street to his apartment building. the first being to see octavia is nike — blonde and less dark in her coat, the golden retriever runs up toward octavia and sniffs all around her, from the ground to octavia herself. zelo, darker in colour, remains near bellamy as he walks toward her. ]
[ he says nothing, but sits beside her, leg almost bumping hers as they remain bent and half-pulled to his chest. his arm brushes against hers, but he doesn't move. the dogs hover around them like the stars had done so in space. though nike often crashes into both of them, nuzzling their arms and sniffing their backs, zelo plants himself in front of octavia and guards them as though he's cerberus. ]
[ bellamy eyes zelo, but ultimately keeps his gaze almost downcast. ]
There's a key under my doormat. You could've let yourself in instead of sitting out here.
[ octavia had gone for a walk, herself. she'd gone to raven's to make sure she was actually, really gone. not that she didn't think that raven's goodbye wasn't a sincere one. but still.
she sits outside of bellamy's place mostly because she didn't want to be alone and she didn't think he should be alone either. as it is, she watches as he sits next to her, by the front door, having already reached out to touch nike's head, scratching behind her ears for a moment before she lets the dog sniff her more.
octavia doesn't look at him beyond sparing him a few glances, instead she watches as she flexes her fingers.] I wasn't sure I wanted to. [ go in.]
[ if she happened to be anyone else, bellamy would keep his gaze focused straight ahead. remain slightly indifferent and completely attached — it's easier to not care that way. it's easier to listen when he's not trying to discern their true emotions via their facial tics and expressions. ]
[ but it's octavia, so she looks forward while he watches her. arms resting on his knees, he leans toward her to nudge her with his side. the dogs may remain slightly interested in sniffing and earning her attention, but nike eventually follows a scent while zelo lowers himself to rest on his stomach. ]
Because... [ she wasn't sure why, honestly. the answer eluded her for a few moments before she realized that maybe it was because she'd left him like raven had left them both. and it stung. she'd just gotten to really know and like raven and now she was gone. how had it felt for bellamy to lose octavia?
shame that wasn't even her own burns her cheeks and she avoids his gaze.] I don't know because... I just wasn't sure.
[ he interprets her answer to be a simple one: they've never had anything that's theirs and theirs alone. everything he's ever had was shared with her, sometimes begrudgingly and most of the time out of a desire to give it to her. even on the ground, his tent isn't necessarily his, as hardly anyone hits the fabric before venturing in. ]
[ sometimes he wonders if she feels like she has to share him with everyone else on the ground. but it's not a thought he likes to have, or even wants to ask. ]
[ leaning into her again, he tries to catch her gaze. softly, ] Hey. You know you can talk to me.
[ it's true. boundaries are one of the reasons she doesn't go charging into his place. not because she doesn't feel comfortable doing it, it's that she wants her own place, one that's hers and not his or anyone else's. and if she respects his space, maybe he'll do the same for her.
it's not about sharing him, not exactly. it's more like their problems on the ground seem so much bigger, it puts a space between them, physically and mentally, it's made them less close. and sharing becomes harder.
she looks at him when he seeks out her gaze.] I don't like that I left you here.
[ bellamy glances away, bowing his head for a moment. it's a tough pill to swallow, knowing octavia wanted to leave. but what he can't quite fathom is how he hadn't followed her. every part of him had been screaming to — and he'd tried to, in a way, by going into the woods to be by himself so he could think it all over. ]
[ but he hadn't followed her. ]
[ it'd been hope, something he's never quite had ever since she was thrown into the sky box, that had kept him here. hope for her to come back, and for them to enjoy the city together. and now that he has her back, with a minor stipulation with memories, he's found having hope isn't such a bad thing, especially when it's invested in someone he can count on. ]
[ he lifts his gaze back to her, expression soft. ] I don't like that I didn't go with you. But … [ he reaches for her hand, wanting to interlace her fingers with his. ] I don't hate you for it, O. I could never hate you for doing what you need to do, especially if it's for yourself.
[ octavia gets why he didn't follow. it had to have hurt to have her choose to leave him. and this place... it's too good to be true. she's early enough along that she feels like she never wants to leave, that even with things starting to ramp up back home, she thinks maybe they're both better off here.
she doesn't pull away from his touch, she glancing at him.] Well, I was stupid or something. This place is better than back... there. [ it's not home.]
I don't think you doing what you believe is best for you is stupid, O.
[ he says it gently, giving her hand a squeeze. as much as it had hurt for her to leave him be, to feel like he wasn't enough to keep her in the city, he knows she had to follow her own path, just as he has to start walking along his. if it means they're separated, he'll always believe that's to be temporary. bellamy will always gravitate back toward octavia. ]
Sometimes this place is great. Sometimes it's … not. I guess it comes down to what you make of it. How you use your time here.
[ okay, so he's right. she doesn't think that doing what she believes is best is stupid but she wonders how it could be best for her to be away from bellamy. and a sad though rushes through her head, wondering what bellamy had done to make her feel like it was fine to leave him here.
did the rift between them never get repaired? maybe that's what she should have asked for.]
[ he shrugs, and watches one of the dogs. zelo sits, and nike wanders, and he wonders if raven had been right when she said they reminded her of them. octavia wanders while he sits, waiting for her to come back to him. ]
When people leave. [ he looks at her, then drops his gaze to her hands. when people leave, it sucks. there's a hole that opens up and it's impossible to fill, so bellamy tries not to feel it at all. people come and go, and that's simply the unnatural nature of the city. octavia's come and gone, and though he's wished for her to return every passing second, he's always known she'd come back to him — or him to her, removing himself from this city to be by her side or be her shadow. ]
Back home, there's no chance of them coming back. But here … Sometimes the waiting and the wondering is the worst part. I used to think it'd be better if I just didn't know it could happen.
I'm not going to leave without you this time. [ not while she's got him back and he doesn't hate her. she still feels a little sour about how he handled things back on the ground but that doesn't mean she wants to leave him, that she won't put him first.
things are only cracked between them, not broken like they become in the future.
she bumps his shoulder and offers him a slight smile.] So there.
[ he looks up and smiles at her when she bumps his shoulder. ] I'm glad. I don't really want you to leave.
[ if bellamy's own conflicted feelings as to what he should do — follow her or remain behind and fulfil his end of the deal, and perhaps tack on a few more — are anything to go by, it's the one moment in time where he's clearly become uncertain of what course of action to take when it comes to octavia. he's always been able to make those decisions almost easily and eagerly. ]
[ he leans in closer to her. ] But if you want to go, you should. I don't want you to stay here because of me.
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[ see that smoke, bellamy? octavia's pants are on fire.]
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She could come back.
You and I both did. Raven's going to be okay.
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are YOU okay
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I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me.
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do you worry about me?
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I've been better since you got here.
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Where are you?
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sitting outside your place.
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[ eventually, he's on the street to his apartment building. the first being to see octavia is nike — blonde and less dark in her coat, the golden retriever runs up toward octavia and sniffs all around her, from the ground to octavia herself. zelo, darker in colour, remains near bellamy as he walks toward her. ]
[ he says nothing, but sits beside her, leg almost bumping hers as they remain bent and half-pulled to his chest. his arm brushes against hers, but he doesn't move. the dogs hover around them like the stars had done so in space. though nike often crashes into both of them, nuzzling their arms and sniffing their backs, zelo plants himself in front of octavia and guards them as though he's cerberus. ]
[ bellamy eyes zelo, but ultimately keeps his gaze almost downcast. ]
There's a key under my doormat. You could've let yourself in instead of sitting out here.
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she sits outside of bellamy's place mostly because she didn't want to be alone and she didn't think he should be alone either. as it is, she watches as he sits next to her, by the front door, having already reached out to touch nike's head, scratching behind her ears for a moment before she lets the dog sniff her more.
octavia doesn't look at him beyond sparing him a few glances, instead she watches as she flexes her fingers.] I wasn't sure I wanted to. [ go in.]
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[ but it's octavia, so she looks forward while he watches her. arms resting on his knees, he leans toward her to nudge her with his side. the dogs may remain slightly interested in sniffing and earning her attention, but nike eventually follows a scent while zelo lowers himself to rest on his stomach. ]
[ gently, ] Why not?
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shame that wasn't even her own burns her cheeks and she avoids his gaze.] I don't know because... I just wasn't sure.
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[ he interprets her answer to be a simple one: they've never had anything that's theirs and theirs alone. everything he's ever had was shared with her, sometimes begrudgingly and most of the time out of a desire to give it to her. even on the ground, his tent isn't necessarily his, as hardly anyone hits the fabric before venturing in. ]
[ sometimes he wonders if she feels like she has to share him with everyone else on the ground. but it's not a thought he likes to have, or even wants to ask. ]
[ leaning into her again, he tries to catch her gaze. softly, ] Hey. You know you can talk to me.
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it's not about sharing him, not exactly. it's more like their problems on the ground seem so much bigger, it puts a space between them, physically and mentally, it's made them less close. and sharing becomes harder.
she looks at him when he seeks out her gaze.] I don't like that I left you here.
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[ but he hadn't followed her. ]
[ it'd been hope, something he's never quite had ever since she was thrown into the sky box, that had kept him here. hope for her to come back, and for them to enjoy the city together. and now that he has her back, with a minor stipulation with memories, he's found having hope isn't such a bad thing, especially when it's invested in someone he can count on. ]
[ he lifts his gaze back to her, expression soft. ] I don't like that I didn't go with you. But … [ he reaches for her hand, wanting to interlace her fingers with his. ] I don't hate you for it, O. I could never hate you for doing what you need to do, especially if it's for yourself.
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she doesn't pull away from his touch, she glancing at him.] Well, I was stupid or something. This place is better than back... there. [ it's not home.]
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[ he says it gently, giving her hand a squeeze. as much as it had hurt for her to leave him be, to feel like he wasn't enough to keep her in the city, he knows she had to follow her own path, just as he has to start walking along his. if it means they're separated, he'll always believe that's to be temporary. bellamy will always gravitate back toward octavia. ]
Sometimes this place is great. Sometimes it's … not. I guess it comes down to what you make of it. How you use your time here.
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did the rift between them never get repaired? maybe that's what she should have asked for.]
When is it not?
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When people leave. [ he looks at her, then drops his gaze to her hands. when people leave, it sucks. there's a hole that opens up and it's impossible to fill, so bellamy tries not to feel it at all. people come and go, and that's simply the unnatural nature of the city. octavia's come and gone, and though he's wished for her to return every passing second, he's always known she'd come back to him — or him to her, removing himself from this city to be by her side or be her shadow. ]
Back home, there's no chance of them coming back. But here … Sometimes the waiting and the wondering is the worst part. I used to think it'd be better if I just didn't know it could happen.
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things are only cracked between them, not broken like they become in the future.
she bumps his shoulder and offers him a slight smile.] So there.
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[ if bellamy's own conflicted feelings as to what he should do — follow her or remain behind and fulfil his end of the deal, and perhaps tack on a few more — are anything to go by, it's the one moment in time where he's clearly become uncertain of what course of action to take when it comes to octavia. he's always been able to make those decisions almost easily and eagerly. ]
[ he leans in closer to her. ] But if you want to go, you should. I don't want you to stay here because of me.
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