[ in a perfect world, he could and he would and he'd be successful in shielding octavia from the fact they're separated, she almost dies, he almost dies, and then he tosses himself into the mountain to kill a bunch of people. but bellamy has learned he's never going to find himself in a perfect world. ]
It gets worse. The Grounders attacked us with a virus to distract us from them approaching our camp. All she remembers is I was sick and all these kids were dying around us. She knows they're planning to fight us, but she doesn't know about anything else. I don't want her to worry about what happens after.
[ just when elsa thinks she's prepared to learn more about his world, subjects come up like biological warfare. she wants to ask more but instead focuses on the conversation at hand. ]
[ bellamy does understand on some level he's revealing more than he usually does. he trusts elsa without question, but he's always lived his life bottling things — emotions and information — up tightly inside of him. but what he seeks now is for her to give him the response that he wants, which is that it's best octavia doesn't know. the change octavia has yet to go through is incredible, but he thinks it'll only overwhelm her now and in the future once she's settled. ]
The Grounders attacked and she got shot with a poisoned arrow saving my ass. Lincoln took her to his village to save her, and he must've, because when she found me she was fine. But things got fucked up for him, too. She somehow got caught up in the Grounder way of life — it's why her hair was different when she was here last and she looked like she went to hell before she came here. I left to go inside this bunker that apparently exists today, and the next time I see her she's wearing paint on her face and is slashing people with a sword.
The way Octavia thinks to defend herself right now is to jump them.
[ with the flood of information, elsa almost asks bellamy if he wants to talk in person but as someone who conceals as much as she used to, she keeps it to text. the distance helps him, she's sure. ]
You don't want to overwhelm her.
What if she presses you for more information? How much are you willing to give her?
[ he'll give her an inch and she'll blast a new continent out of the water. unlike elsa, octavia is like a shark when she smells blood, and he has a feeling if it involves him, she'll be relentless in finding out the truth. it's why he's gone to great lengths to shield her now. bellamy doesn't want her overwhelmed, but he wants to be the one to try and explain everything to her. he's more deserving of the fallout than anyone else. my sister, my responsibility. ]
[ he knows. the last thing octavia remembers about him is the words he'd said in anger. when he'd lashed out at her, misdirecting his anxiety and fear she was truly gone in the worst way possible, he'd lost her temporarily. it's like her returning and remembering that instead of their reconciliation and him confessing how he really places her on a pedestal is a lesson the representatives want him to learn. ]
I just want her to have peace for once in her life. She's never gotten it. And I can finally give it to her.
It's clear to me that your sister is made of stronger stuff than perhaps you want to believe. She's a young woman who needs freedom and your trust above all. Be her brother, not her personal guard. She needs her brother now that she is no longer hidden from view.
She will be hurt and she will make mistakes but that is part of growing up and being human. Protect her as best as you can without smothering.
Octavia coming here is a blessing and you don't want to ruin it by keeping her from the truth she seeks when she does seek it. I think it is possible to be honest and still let her enjoy her reprieve.
[ but bellamy doesn't know how to be a brother without being her personal guard. intermingled so tightly together, it's the way he's always viewed what a big brother's meant to do — it's how he'd been raised, taught to sacrifice himself for the sake of his sister, and letting his taking care of her form his identity. he knows he's let up; letting her take the lead instead of remaining behind, but when it comes to this, he hasn't seen how it's ended with them on the ground. it's completely new territory, and bellamy feels as though this is the moment mom would reprimand him for saying anything at all to his sister. ]
[ growing up, he'd found whatever he did was either applauded and praised by mom or earned him her ire and disappointment. the way he behaves around octavia is the manner aurora had set in stone, encouraging it as she saw it ended in the same result: octavia safe and sound. on the ground, he learned to loosen the reins kept on her, and though he's still so quick to jump in front of a knife thrown her way, he thinks he's let her take care of herself. but this is something he doesn't want her to have to deal with — the mountain men news, the reveal of the alliance, the fact more of their own people die. ]
[ it's selfish to want her to not know what she'd had in her pockets when she'd come to the city last. he thinks, maybe, that had been the deciding factor of her leaving instead of staying with him for as long as possible. ]
Then if she asks I won't lie to her.
[ but she won't know to ask if no one thinks to tell her. it's manipulative in its own way, keeping information from her, but bellamy doesn't want her to worry. it's as clarke once said, it's a burden he prefers to bear so his sister doesn't have to. ]
I don't know what it is about this instance, but I feel like she might be staying longer this time.
[ elsa and anna are honest with each other, finally able to be the family they couldn't have when they were younger. her duties as older sister outweigh her duties as queen and she is happy to have been able to watch over her during their entire stay in eudio. it has already been proven that elsa would reach across realms, across space and time to find her sister, turning towns to ice, going against what the others agree upon to see that anna is safe. it worries her, what would happen if the one person she relies on were to leave without warning, but she puts it out of her mind for now.
she is stubborn and determined, but not ruthless like him. though her ice is sharp, her approach is softer. ]
If she left, you would follow her home.
[ her heart sinks when she types it but she thinks it to be the truth, having feared he would do exactly that the second time octavia left. ]
[ bellamy doesn't want to let himself hope, because once he lets that weasel its way beneath his skin, he ends up incredibly disappointed. but he's hopeful octavia will stay, and he's hopeful she won't leave him again, telling him she wants him to linger behind despite the fact that they'd always done things together. she's his shadow, just as he is hers, and he's tired of feeling lonely without his. ]
[ but it takes him a long time before he can even think to reply, because he at least knows what he's admitting is vulnerability. ]
I never expected her to come back.
If she goes, I'm not staying this time. I need her to be with me, wherever that is.
You've managed to live through months without her, but I'm sure there must be an emptiness in your heart without her constant presence.
[ this isn't about her. they're not the most important people in each other's lives. she doesn't want to tell him that he cannot follow her wherever she goes, that there comes a time when you have to release the reins you cling to so tightly. but she's older and anna is older, and their experiences are worlds apart from this set of siblings. and, underneath it all, she really doesn't want to think about the way her chest clenches even at hypothetical discussions. ]
[ he'd spent one year without mom and o, and it'd been the most hollow and awful year of his life. eudio's a little pluckier with the personalities he gravitates to and the ones he attracts, but no one is octavia. no one's like the sister, who can both frustrate him and make him feel like he's on top of the world. ]
[ though it matters to him if he's made connections in eudio, nothing and no one comes before octavia. it's how he's been built and it's how he's chosen to be. mom had never told him otherwise, and she'd been his aspiration in life. but he's not so sure how to respond to elsa about that. he thinks she'd understand more than anything, being an older sister. his friends from home try to understand, but he knows they'll never, ever truly get it. ]
She's been there my whole life. I shouldn't have let her go the first time. That was my mistake.
She wanted me to stay and fulfil my end of the bargain. Both times. But there's no bargain if there's no her.
[ what bellamy doesn't understand is octavia had wanted what he wants for her right now: a semblance of a life. ]
[ she thinks she has only grasped the tip of the iceberg here. sibling relationships can be naturally intense, whether its her own, the protective partnership between mako or bolin, or the nasty situation between regina and zelena. she thinks she still needs to uncover more pieces of the puzzle before making a full assessment.
mostly, elsa is wondering if she's getting through to him at all. it's difficult to tell over text, and the most she can do is be reasonable and speak from her heart. hopefully, she sounds reassuring here. ]
From what I've seen on her network post, it looks like she wants to experience life to the fullest here. This world is not as suffocating as a space station and if she is at a different, more open stage in her life now, she will likely want to enjoy what she can. I don't think she will want to leave so soon.
When we first landed on the ground, Octavia wanted to experience life. So, she tried. I kept trying to stop her. In hindsight, it wasn't a good idea, and it wasn't fair. When she met Lincoln and once things got worse with the Grounders, she became more serious. Kind of levelheaded. She wouldn't be asking for fun if she remembered everything I did. She'd be asking for fight club.
[ though it may seem like bellamy hasn't learned his lesson to ease up and trust octavia, he has. instead of attempting to stifle her growth and keep her locked away with him in the city, he wants her to live — he wants to stay true to his word and see her blossom and grow and have the fun she had wanted on the ground, with him looking over her shoulder and making sure she was safe. but bellamy can't just let octavia go. it's not in his genetic makeup to do so. and he doubts it's in octavia's to let him. ]
I kind of wish she remembered everything, even though that's not fair.
[ elsa's making sense, even though bellamy wants to nitpick until his fingers bleed. he has to accept things the way they are; there's no possibility of it changing, even if he wills it to or makes a deal. but he's never been particularly positive or hopeful, and so a part of him needs to know if elsa's speaking out of her ass or if she's really that hopeful. ]
I guess I'll take a page out of your book. This is a big leap of faith for me.
[ if elsa's hopeful, then bellamy supposes he can only follow in her footsteps. while he isn't sure if elsa sees a positive solution in everything, he trusts her to know how to bounce back from pessimistic thoughts, like the ones he's often plagued with. she's been at the bottom before, and he finds that she's high above him now. ]
[ she isn't always so certain, faced with crippling self-doubt when no one else is looking. with a bolstered resolve, she is less prone to allowing that to wholly control her or for someone to manipulate and use that against her. she had been sure to say "can" and not "always."
the least they can do is hope for the best, and with all of them out of harm's way for now, she doesn't see the use in worrying so long and hard about these matters. his concerns are obviously valid, but she thinks his energies are better spent on other things, like helping octavia adjust. ]
It isn't the worst book to borrow from, I can assure you. :) I cannot make promises, but I think that you will be okay in the end.
[ for someone who hadn't understood why he'd had to keep having his sister a secret, bellamy's almost been taught how to simply worry over every situation. he'd had to make sure anything he said or did or even took or was seen carrying on the ark wouldn't raise suspicion. he's always been on alert, even when he hadn't had anything for octavia in his hands or a task from mom to fetch extra clothes or go to a woman in their section to grab some more food. he doesn't quite know how to turn it off. he doesn't know if he even can. ]
I guess I can only hope you're right about it all. I don't really know what to expect from this place anymore.
[ for talking to him, even though it's not her problem and shouldn't be her concern. she'd contacted him to show her excitement at octavia being back (he thinks) and he'd let it nosedive into his own worries about her returning to the city instead. ]
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It gets worse. The Grounders attacked us with a virus to distract us from them approaching our camp. All she remembers is I was sick and all these kids were dying around us. She knows they're planning to fight us, but she doesn't know about anything else. I don't want her to worry about what happens after.
[ what he wants is for her not to leave again. ]
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[ just when elsa thinks she's prepared to learn more about his world, subjects come up like biological warfare. she wants to ask more but instead focuses on the conversation at hand. ]
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The Grounders attacked and she got shot with a poisoned arrow saving my ass. Lincoln took her to his village to save her, and he must've, because when she found me she was fine. But things got fucked up for him, too. She somehow got caught up in the Grounder way of life — it's why her hair was different when she was here last and she looked like she went to hell before she came here. I left to go inside this bunker that apparently exists today, and the next time I see her she's wearing paint on her face and is slashing people with a sword.
The way Octavia thinks to defend herself right now is to jump them.
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You don't want to overwhelm her.
What if she presses you for more information? How much are you willing to give her?
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[ he'll give her an inch and she'll blast a new continent out of the water. unlike elsa, octavia is like a shark when she smells blood, and he has a feeling if it involves him, she'll be relentless in finding out the truth. it's why he's gone to great lengths to shield her now. bellamy doesn't want her overwhelmed, but he wants to be the one to try and explain everything to her. he's more deserving of the fallout than anyone else. my sister, my responsibility. ]
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[ octavia is not anna, but even anna couldn't take elsa's rejection for much longer. even anna lashed out in her own way. ]
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I just want her to have peace for once in her life. She's never gotten it. And I can finally give it to her.
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She will be hurt and she will make mistakes but that is part of growing up and being human. Protect her as best as you can without smothering.
Octavia coming here is a blessing and you don't want to ruin it by keeping her from the truth she seeks when she does seek it. I think it is possible to be honest and still let her enjoy her reprieve.
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[ growing up, he'd found whatever he did was either applauded and praised by mom or earned him her ire and disappointment. the way he behaves around octavia is the manner aurora had set in stone, encouraging it as she saw it ended in the same result: octavia safe and sound. on the ground, he learned to loosen the reins kept on her, and though he's still so quick to jump in front of a knife thrown her way, he thinks he's let her take care of herself. but this is something he doesn't want her to have to deal with — the mountain men news, the reveal of the alliance, the fact more of their own people die. ]
[ it's selfish to want her to not know what she'd had in her pockets when she'd come to the city last. he thinks, maybe, that had been the deciding factor of her leaving instead of staying with him for as long as possible. ]
Then if she asks I won't lie to her.
[ but she won't know to ask if no one thinks to tell her. it's manipulative in its own way, keeping information from her, but bellamy doesn't want her to worry. it's as clarke once said, it's a burden he prefers to bear so his sister doesn't have to. ]
I don't know what I'd do if she left again.
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[ elsa and anna are honest with each other, finally able to be the family they couldn't have when they were younger. her duties as older sister outweigh her duties as queen and she is happy to have been able to watch over her during their entire stay in eudio. it has already been proven that elsa would reach across realms, across space and time to find her sister, turning towns to ice, going against what the others agree upon to see that anna is safe. it worries her, what would happen if the one person she relies on were to leave without warning, but she puts it out of her mind for now.
she is stubborn and determined, but not ruthless like him. though her ice is sharp, her approach is softer. ]
If she left, you would follow her home.
[ her heart sinks when she types it but she thinks it to be the truth, having feared he would do exactly that the second time octavia left. ]
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[ but it takes him a long time before he can even think to reply, because he at least knows what he's admitting is vulnerability. ]
I never expected her to come back.
If she goes, I'm not staying this time. I need her to be with me, wherever that is.
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You've managed to live through months without her, but I'm sure there must be an emptiness in your heart without her constant presence.
[ this isn't about her. they're not the most important people in each other's lives. she doesn't want to tell him that he cannot follow her wherever she goes, that there comes a time when you have to release the reins you cling to so tightly. but she's older and anna is older, and their experiences are worlds apart from this set of siblings. and, underneath it all, she really doesn't want to think about the way her chest clenches even at hypothetical discussions. ]
You would be missed, if that was the case.
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[ though it matters to him if he's made connections in eudio, nothing and no one comes before octavia. it's how he's been built and it's how he's chosen to be. mom had never told him otherwise, and she'd been his aspiration in life. but he's not so sure how to respond to elsa about that. he thinks she'd understand more than anything, being an older sister. his friends from home try to understand, but he knows they'll never, ever truly get it. ]
She's been there my whole life. I shouldn't have let her go the first time. That was my mistake.
She wanted me to stay and fulfil my end of the bargain. Both times. But there's no bargain if there's no her.
[ what bellamy doesn't understand is octavia had wanted what he wants for her right now: a semblance of a life. ]
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mostly, elsa is wondering if she's getting through to him at all. it's difficult to tell over text, and the most she can do is be reasonable and speak from her heart. hopefully, she sounds reassuring here. ]
From what I've seen on her network post, it looks like she wants to experience life to the fullest here. This world is not as suffocating as a space station and if she is at a different, more open stage in her life now, she will likely want to enjoy what she can. I don't think she will want to leave so soon.
I'm glad for it.
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[ though it may seem like bellamy hasn't learned his lesson to ease up and trust octavia, he has. instead of attempting to stifle her growth and keep her locked away with him in the city, he wants her to live — he wants to stay true to his word and see her blossom and grow and have the fun she had wanted on the ground, with him looking over her shoulder and making sure she was safe. but bellamy can't just let octavia go. it's not in his genetic makeup to do so. and he doubts it's in octavia's to let him. ]
I kind of wish she remembered everything, even though that's not fair.
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You may as well show her the good things about Eudio before anything happens, whether it be the time lapses or her questioning.
It will be alright, Bellamy.
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Do you really believe that?
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[ she is really that hopeful. sentimentality has paid off for her in many instances already. ]
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[ if elsa's hopeful, then bellamy supposes he can only follow in her footsteps. while he isn't sure if elsa sees a positive solution in everything, he trusts her to know how to bounce back from pessimistic thoughts, like the ones he's often plagued with. she's been at the bottom before, and he finds that she's high above him now. ]
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the least they can do is hope for the best, and with all of them out of harm's way for now, she doesn't see the use in worrying so long and hard about these matters. his concerns are obviously valid, but she thinks his energies are better spent on other things, like helping octavia adjust. ]
It isn't the worst book to borrow from, I can assure you. :) I cannot make promises, but I think that you will be okay in the end.
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I guess I can only hope you're right about it all. I don't really know what to expect from this place anymore.
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A funny thing, coming from me.
You ought to enjoy your time with her, in whatever time you have together.
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Thanks, Elsa.
[ for talking to him, even though it's not her problem and shouldn't be her concern. she'd contacted him to show her excitement at octavia being back (he thinks) and he'd let it nosedive into his own worries about her returning to the city instead. ]
I hope she's able to get to know you this time.
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You're welcome, Bellamy.
I hope I can know her too.