[ clarke had walked away. though bellamy suspects it may not have been completely her idea that they attend the masquerade together, she'd extended an olive branch toward him. a part of him wants to know why, if, perhaps, the burden of what they'd done together has since lifted. he hasn't had too much time to dwell on her reasoning for leaving, but bellamy had assumed, within that moment, clarke had wanted to free herself from all her ties, severing what tethered them together as she left camp jaha for good. ]
[ doing this for him sends mixed messages. he's always read the text as though she wants to be alone, but bellamy's always lingered in her peripherals, showing her she's not as alone as she may think herself to be in her own plight. ]
Why not ask for someone else? Anyone else. Your mom. Harper. Monty.
[clarke isn't too sure of the answer herself really. sometimes she does things out of habit without even realizing at first what her actions would imply just like in this case or even with inviting him to go to the masquerade with her either.
clarke is well aware of how she is contradicting herself and it frustrates her more than anything. her guilt hasn't subsided and she still feels that leaving was her only option to protect her people from herself; however, over the last couple of months bellamy's actions and the fact he still wants to be her friend despite everything is having more of an affect on her than he probably knows or that she even wants to acknowledge.
she has been trying to deal with it though even if it is in the smallest of ways where she feels like she's doing something to make up for her actions and in this case it meant doing this for bellamy. it never occurred to her to ask for anyone else for herself mostly because there wouldn't be anyone she would ask for anyway even her own mother]
this was more important. i already told you i wasn't asking for myself and besides since octavia has been here before, i figured it'd be easier for them to approach her again.
[ if it was the two of them in this city with no promise of anyone else to follow, sometimes bellamy thinks he wouldn't be as warm. he knows he wouldn't be — it'd simply be the two of them, trapped in a place that neither can run from. his own resentment and anger has built up, but it doesn't splash over the brim. he feels it, his anger — he hates her and likes her and resents her and pities her — but he thinks the best way to get back at her is to not push her away. if anything, pushing her seems to do the trick, even though bellamy often wants to abandon clarke as she had him. ]
[ with o and raven and murphy in town, it's difficult to be selfish. it's a burden he's chosen to bear, his anger, keeping it quietly hidden away so only he and clarke know it's there. though he hasn't so much as informed her he feels it, something akin to dislike for her for what she had done, he suspects she knows. it's punishment enough, even though bellamy doesn't want to embody the council and dole those out. ]
[ then she goes and does something like this, and he knows what it means — there's no way in hell he wouldn't be able to discern her motive. but he doesn't understand why she hasn't rid herself of this habit if it's distance she wants. the masquerade, letting him come over, even doing this for him — she sends mixed messages, and sometimes he doesn't think it's to try and deter him from pushing back at her. ]
You didn't have to.
I'll pay you back.
[ even though bellamy doubts the way he wants to go about it is something clarke would think to be compensation for her own selflessness. him being up in her space? he knows she would say it's more than what she deserves. ]
[ it's a good thing bellamy doesn't listen to clarke. ]
[while it's true that clarke might want to keep her distance, it doesn't negate the fact she still cares. she still worries about bellamy, raven, octavia and even their people who aren't here because she can't just turn it off. it's easier said than done when it comes to her and the same applies to when she tries to keep her distance because being in eudio makes that difficult.
she knows what it is like with just the two of them, it started off that way when she first came to eudio thinking she was going to be here on her own before bellamy contacted her practically days later after being aware she was here. she figured that it was initially out of anger towards her and probably ended that way too because he left and never said goodbye as far as she can assume, not that she can blame him but either way, even if bellamy going back to their people was what she wanted, it still hurt her more than she would like to admit.
it's hypocritical, she knows it is and technically if she really wanted distance, the easy solution to this would be for her to leave but the fact she doesn't should be enough of an indication that her resolve is slowly cracking from the months she's been here]
yeah sure. just like how you don't have to pay me back, right? [clarke expected him to tell her she didn't have to do that for him but that was the exact reason she refrained from telling him until about it before this conversation.
she turns it around on him, mostly to make a point. she did this because she wanted despite what he would say, just like how he would insist on paying her back even if she would tell him it's unnecessary]
[ when it comes to octavia, it means too much. she's his sister, his responsibility, but he's beginning to find that the burden of ensuring that she's safe all the time has been lifted from his shoulders as clarke and raven and even lincoln have taken it upon themselves to care for her, too. it's been difficult to share that with anyone else, knowing it ultimately comes down to him to put octavia's best interests first. he does so without hesitation — and doesn't expect anyone else to, even though he sometimes behaves as though he wants everyone to put o first and themselves last. ]
[ he can easily read between the lines as to what had motivated her to do this. bellamy knows that regardless of how far clarke falls, she won't ever really lose herself. as cold as she has been, as methodical and under the thumb of lexa that she had become, he's relieved to find that who clarke is, the person he remembers fondly of her being, hasn't been lost to him. and it's enough for now, even if he still feels resentment and anger curl within him for her choice to turn her back on him. ]
[ as petulant as it is, bellamy doesn't want to inform clarke that she's right. as childish as it is, he gives her an answer that doesn't quite show his age. ]
Whatever.
[ he figures she can easily read between the lines that she's got him there. ]
[if anyone is going to put everyone else ahead of herself, it's clarke given her selfless nature though if she knew what bellamy was thinking she'd more than likely think differently since more often than not she feels like a distant memory from the person she used to be.
his response seems to say it all though in that she's successfully gotten her point across to him at least so she doesn't comment on it. instead she decides to address one more thing about octavia coming back here]
i'm not sure if octavia will remember being here before or whether she'll remember the same thing but i guess that depends on when they approached her or something. [or a difference with incentive, at least that's her theory on why people don't remember]
[ given that bellamy can't remember anything from his supposed time here, he has a feeling octavia won't, either. if he had the chance to, he would've asked to remember — it would've saved them a lot of hassle, and some hurt feelings, if he really did make a few friends during his short stint here. he doesn't understand why the representatives would need to create a pro and con list when it comes to when to ask her to come into the city, but bellamy supposes there's different levels of shit hitting the fan back home they may feel like they need to consider. ]
[ he just wants his sister back — it doesn't matter to him if she doesn't remember some of the things he knows. o is o, regardless of what she may be able to recall. ]
Did I tell you my last memory from home when I was here before?
[clarke considers his words for moment and in thinking back to when he was here before it was never something they discussed because she assumed it was the same as hers upon coming here. there had been mentions of the city representatives being capable of bringing in different points in time but it was something she had never really been something she believed until raven showed up remembering less than she did while wanting her to keep her distance]
no, you didn't. it wasn't something we talked much about but it was obvious it was the same thing i remembered. [clarke didn't even have to question it when they first talked mostly because of how things went when he first contacted her which was more indicative than bellamy actually telling her]
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text;
[ clarke had walked away. though bellamy suspects it may not have been completely her idea that they attend the masquerade together, she'd extended an olive branch toward him. a part of him wants to know why, if, perhaps, the burden of what they'd done together has since lifted. he hasn't had too much time to dwell on her reasoning for leaving, but bellamy had assumed, within that moment, clarke had wanted to free herself from all her ties, severing what tethered them together as she left camp jaha for good. ]
[ doing this for him sends mixed messages. he's always read the text as though she wants to be alone, but bellamy's always lingered in her peripherals, showing her she's not as alone as she may think herself to be in her own plight. ]
Why not ask for someone else? Anyone else. Your mom. Harper. Monty.
[ finn, he thinks, but doesn't type. ]
text;
clarke is well aware of how she is contradicting herself and it frustrates her more than anything. her guilt hasn't subsided and she still feels that leaving was her only option to protect her people from herself; however, over the last couple of months bellamy's actions and the fact he still wants to be her friend despite everything is having more of an affect on her than he probably knows or that she even wants to acknowledge.
she has been trying to deal with it though even if it is in the smallest of ways where she feels like she's doing something to make up for her actions and in this case it meant doing this for bellamy. it never occurred to her to ask for anyone else for herself mostly because there wouldn't be anyone she would ask for anyway even her own mother]
this was more important. i already told you i wasn't asking for myself and besides since octavia has been here before, i figured it'd be easier for them to approach her again.
text;
[ with o and raven and murphy in town, it's difficult to be selfish. it's a burden he's chosen to bear, his anger, keeping it quietly hidden away so only he and clarke know it's there. though he hasn't so much as informed her he feels it, something akin to dislike for her for what she had done, he suspects she knows. it's punishment enough, even though bellamy doesn't want to embody the council and dole those out. ]
[ then she goes and does something like this, and he knows what it means — there's no way in hell he wouldn't be able to discern her motive. but he doesn't understand why she hasn't rid herself of this habit if it's distance she wants. the masquerade, letting him come over, even doing this for him — she sends mixed messages, and sometimes he doesn't think it's to try and deter him from pushing back at her. ]
You didn't have to.
I'll pay you back.
[ even though bellamy doubts the way he wants to go about it is something clarke would think to be compensation for her own selflessness. him being up in her space? he knows she would say it's more than what she deserves. ]
[ it's a good thing bellamy doesn't listen to clarke. ]
text;
she knows what it is like with just the two of them, it started off that way when she first came to eudio thinking she was going to be here on her own before bellamy contacted her practically days later after being aware she was here. she figured that it was initially out of anger towards her and probably ended that way too because he left and never said goodbye as far as she can assume, not that she can blame him but either way, even if bellamy going back to their people was what she wanted, it still hurt her more than she would like to admit.
it's hypocritical, she knows it is and technically if she really wanted distance, the easy solution to this would be for her to leave but the fact she doesn't should be enough of an indication that her resolve is slowly cracking from the months she's been here]
yeah sure. just like how you don't have to pay me back, right? [clarke expected him to tell her she didn't have to do that for him but that was the exact reason she refrained from telling him until about it before this conversation.
she turns it around on him, mostly to make a point. she did this because she wanted despite what he would say, just like how he would insist on paying her back even if she would tell him it's unnecessary]
text;
[ he can easily read between the lines as to what had motivated her to do this. bellamy knows that regardless of how far clarke falls, she won't ever really lose herself. as cold as she has been, as methodical and under the thumb of lexa that she had become, he's relieved to find that who clarke is, the person he remembers fondly of her being, hasn't been lost to him. and it's enough for now, even if he still feels resentment and anger curl within him for her choice to turn her back on him. ]
[ as petulant as it is, bellamy doesn't want to inform clarke that she's right. as childish as it is, he gives her an answer that doesn't quite show his age. ]
Whatever.
[ he figures she can easily read between the lines that she's got him there. ]
text;
his response seems to say it all though in that she's successfully gotten her point across to him at least so she doesn't comment on it. instead she decides to address one more thing about octavia coming back here]
i'm not sure if octavia will remember being here before or whether she'll remember the same thing but i guess that depends on when they approached her or something. [or a difference with incentive, at least that's her theory on why people don't remember]
text;
[ he just wants his sister back — it doesn't matter to him if she doesn't remember some of the things he knows. o is o, regardless of what she may be able to recall. ]
Did I tell you my last memory from home when I was here before?
text;
no, you didn't. it wasn't something we talked much about but it was obvious it was the same thing i remembered. [clarke didn't even have to question it when they first talked mostly because of how things went when he first contacted her which was more indicative than bellamy actually telling her]