[ but bellamy doesn't know how to be a brother without being her personal guard. intermingled so tightly together, it's the way he's always viewed what a big brother's meant to do — it's how he'd been raised, taught to sacrifice himself for the sake of his sister, and letting his taking care of her form his identity. he knows he's let up; letting her take the lead instead of remaining behind, but when it comes to this, he hasn't seen how it's ended with them on the ground. it's completely new territory, and bellamy feels as though this is the moment mom would reprimand him for saying anything at all to his sister. ]
[ growing up, he'd found whatever he did was either applauded and praised by mom or earned him her ire and disappointment. the way he behaves around octavia is the manner aurora had set in stone, encouraging it as she saw it ended in the same result: octavia safe and sound. on the ground, he learned to loosen the reins kept on her, and though he's still so quick to jump in front of a knife thrown her way, he thinks he's let her take care of herself. but this is something he doesn't want her to have to deal with — the mountain men news, the reveal of the alliance, the fact more of their own people die. ]
[ it's selfish to want her to not know what she'd had in her pockets when she'd come to the city last. he thinks, maybe, that had been the deciding factor of her leaving instead of staying with him for as long as possible. ]
Then if she asks I won't lie to her.
[ but she won't know to ask if no one thinks to tell her. it's manipulative in its own way, keeping information from her, but bellamy doesn't want her to worry. it's as clarke once said, it's a burden he prefers to bear so his sister doesn't have to. ]
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[ growing up, he'd found whatever he did was either applauded and praised by mom or earned him her ire and disappointment. the way he behaves around octavia is the manner aurora had set in stone, encouraging it as she saw it ended in the same result: octavia safe and sound. on the ground, he learned to loosen the reins kept on her, and though he's still so quick to jump in front of a knife thrown her way, he thinks he's let her take care of herself. but this is something he doesn't want her to have to deal with — the mountain men news, the reveal of the alliance, the fact more of their own people die. ]
[ it's selfish to want her to not know what she'd had in her pockets when she'd come to the city last. he thinks, maybe, that had been the deciding factor of her leaving instead of staying with him for as long as possible. ]
Then if she asks I won't lie to her.
[ but she won't know to ask if no one thinks to tell her. it's manipulative in its own way, keeping information from her, but bellamy doesn't want her to worry. it's as clarke once said, it's a burden he prefers to bear so his sister doesn't have to. ]
I don't know what I'd do if she left again.